Rabu, 02 Desember 2015

Graduation

Well, a kinda late post, Darla.

My graduation was held on 23rd November. I was pretty busy in preparing it. I'm sorry for my mother and my sister to make them join my hectic days. It was one of the best days in my life. Yeah, although I had to wake up at 2.30 a.m. for the make-up and hairdo stuff. We had to arrive at auditorium at 6.30. Glad to have a friend accompanied me at saloon. Thanks to Cynthia. Well, we get quite closer since we graduated in the same period. I was so excited for my graduation. I might not be the best student but I really hope my mom is proud of me. Lots of friends and family gave greetings and graduation gift. I was very very very happy. Hm. I think I am happy til now. Lol.

Oh ya, my kebaya (Indonesian traditional clothes) was made by my mother! I love it damn much! I love the pink colour which was chosen by me and mom together. The batik's color wasn't really my favorite at first. After I looked it closer, I think it's nice and suits best with my top. I and Mom chose the design together after doing a lot of searching from internet and kebaya magazine. It took a long time to decide the design. Hahaha. You know, girls are like that. I also spent a lot time to search what hair-do was the best for my graduation. Since my hair is a frizzy, long, and too-thick type, I became more picky about the hair-do. Finally I decided to have some big braids. I like it! I always love braid oh my God. It always fits me best. Ok, not always. I also helped Mom to choose what dress she would wear. She wanted a simple but with some bright accent. Mom thought of sewing a new one, but she was too tired and busy, so we chose from what we had in our closet. Mom has a lot of beautiful dresses. For my sister, I also helped her to choose her dress! Because being beautiful doesn't always mean wearing new stuff, she also wore a dress which was made by Mom long ago. She looked good in it. I was very happy!

Although some of my close friends couldn't come due to some reasons, I believe that they were also happy for me. Some friends sent belated graduation gift. Some friends brought a bucket of fried chicken to home in the evening! It was great. We had a home party. Well, my condition was not really good after graduation. I think it was due to lacking of sleep. I had dizziness and gastric problems, and of course some back pain. It was okay. I was too happy to focus on those health problems. LOL.

Thank you my family and friends for all the support and love!
















Minggu, 08 November 2015

Weekend-Work?

Okay. I work every day. I mean it, every day.  Monday to Sunday.

Many people never want to work during the weekend. I've done this for about two years. Even my most hectic schedule is the weekend. I made this choice because I know exactly that I cannot work 8-to-5 like most people. I need a job which allows to have break once in every 2 or 3 hours. During weekdays, I work only for about 5 hours. When I get home, I really need to lay down and rest my body. Sometimes I have additional activity or schedule. Then, I will be laying down on my bed like a dead body. LOL.

As I reach this age, I understand fully that I like to earn money. I enjoy my job. Once you give me job, I might look like a workaholic. Well, the other side of me also said that money is not the only thing. I really wish to do some voluntary job. I want to give up my weekend job , but urghh, I hate myself how I like to work hard and earn money. I will lose some amount of my income and it's not easy for me. I keep telling myself that it's okay. I can work harder during weekdays or find another additional job in weekdays. Then, I am remind of how I am always exhausted during weekdays. Oh, God. Will you give me another extra strength, please? 

Few Days To Go

Holla Darla~

Here I am. After driven nuts by my final paper's revision, finally I'm registered to join this month's graduation ceremony. It was a really tiring week. I got my back pain worsen. Thank to God everything went smoothly and I'm okay now. I will have my graduation ceremony in the end of this November and my Yudisium on 12th Nov. OMG, I'm really excited!!! Few days to go!

Well, there was a time when I kept being asked "when will you graduate?" Now, I have answer for that question. The matter is we have another question to go. "What is your plan after graduated?" Okay. I have some alternatives for my career path. Since I am freed from university's paper, I can have more classes to teach in weekdays and do some voluntary job in the weekend. My former plan was I will have my scoliosis surgery once I have my graduation ceremony done. However, I change my plan. 

Due to some reason, I found a way to calm my mom that surgery is nothing to worry. I end up with the decision which is the postponing of my surgery. I'll do my surgery in the beginning of next year, 2016. If we are talking about the risk of the surgery, still, I believe in God. He has given me this life and He has the full right to take it whenever He wants. Since my surgery is postponed, my other plan has to be changed. I cannot take any regular jobs before I have my surgery because I will need a long day-off post operation. Don't worry. Like what people say, "if plan A doesn't work, we still have the other 25 alphabets". 

One of my scoliosis friend has just had her surgery and I am really really worried. She has replied my message after she had her surgery done. OMG, if I, as a friend, can worry like this, I have no idea how my mom would be worried about me. My friend is in her recovery in hospital. She cannot reply my message too often. We only text each other once a day. Of course she needs much rest. I hope she is doing well. 

Kamis, 24 September 2015

Maturity

Hello Darla~

I wonder what does "maturity" mean for everyone? I think everyone has own reference about what it is and so do I. By time flies, I realized that maturity cannot be defined by age since this maturity is a part of our psychology sides and age is only part of our physical things. 

I was raised as a youngest daughter and in a protective (but-not-so-overprotective) family. No matter how much I grow, I will be always seen as a little girl by my family. Growing as a broken-home kid forced me to grow up much more than my age. We did face many internal family conflict. When I was in primary, I realized that I was not same with my friends at my age. I have a side that slowly grow faster psychologically. I could see what's my mother and my father's view. Years by years, although I am the youngest, I learn to bear responsibility. Now, despite of I'm still a partly student, I try to be the breadwinner of my family. I might not be that success now, but I'm on my halfway.

Yeah, not only financially. Trust me. In life, you will not only face financial problem. There are many many many rocks heading to you. If you are not a good problem solver, you will get much stress. I did observe my surroundings how to deal with many kinds of problems. I might look like a dumb at the beginning. Once I get the hang of it, I can show incredible confidence and handle it well. Hmm, maybe for instance, my public speaking skill. Lol.

Ok, back to the topic. So, what is maturity? For me, it has many meanings. Maturity is the ability to face any hard situation with wisdom. Yes, wisdom. I don't want to say with a smile. We sometimes dislike certain people in our life and we got to meet them frequently. Some people choose to smile no matter how hurt he/she might ever be. I sometimes do that. Hatred or grudge will not solve anything. Rather, I learn to understand others view and forgive them. In that way, my heart feels lighter and calm so I can smile without feeling any hurt. No more hatred. No more grudge.

Maturity is when you know you don't have to tell any details in your life to public? For this one, I still feel ambiguous. Some people like to post very updated and detailed status on social media. Even I post many entries in this blog, still, there are some parts of my life that I think I do not need to post because I want it to stay as privacy or maybe it can affect someone else negatively. I still keep secret even to my private blog. If it is sooo hard to keep, then I'll write it on my diary. Something blows my mind. For example, I adore miss Merry Riana so much. I read her biography which tells me everything happened in her life and it inspires me so much! She even told her darkest part which people might laugh on her. Who cares? By doing that, she has inspired many people.

Maturity is having stable emotion. Hmm. I'm the type who can explode anytime. Hm, I mean like when I feel happy, I'm not ashamed of showing it to everyone. I can smile for a day like a stupid. Lol. When I get mad, I seldom explode. I just do something annoying. Haha. Okay, for this. I might look calm outside. Trust me. My mind is very very very noisy that I believe you don't want to hear anything from me. My mind speaks much than my mouth. Maybe I prefer being friend with the people from the same type with me. I get hurt easily by words. If you get mad and speak any harsh words, it will be an arrow that you never ever can pull it back. I need longer time to understand and forgive. So, you will face the annoying side of me before I pass the understanding-and-forgiving stage. Lol.

That's all for today. That's a tiny part of my lousy mind. See you at next post!

Damn it. I love popping bubble wrap so much. Lol


Kamis, 17 September 2015

Gotcha

Looks like I've found what makes me stay awake at night.
I observe myself these weeks. The peak point was when I watched movie at cinema. I realized something. I hope it is a wrong prediction.

Rabu, 16 September 2015

Officially?

Helloo Darla!

I'm really sorry for my long absence. I was driven nuts by my final paper. Yap! I have finished my final paper! I have passed my defense table! Yeahh!!! I did it on 31st August. It was such a big day. Okay, maybe I overreact, but I am so happyyyyy. I was once worried whether I could do it before September or not. If not, I had to pay tuition fee for the next semester again. Compared to private college, my tuition fee might be far cheaper. Still, paying additional tuition fee is not in my budget list and it was kinda frustating for me. Money is still money. 

Thank you for my lecturer for giving me chance to join Seminar Ilmiah, and also to join the defense table on time. I am really grateful. Thank you, too, Mom. You always support me no matter what happens. I know, sometimes I was tired. Mom kept asking me when I finished my final paper and graduated, but it became my motivation that I shouldn't disappoint her. So did my sister.. Sis is never good at choosing her words. Her words are sometimes, hm, or often harsh. Whenever she speaks, I want to twist her neck. Lol. Hey, everyone has their own way in expressing their feeling. Somehow, I realized that sis cares a lot about me. Thank you sissy. For my father at the heaven, I'm glad I made it, Dad. If you were here, we would be happy together. We would be so busy talking about preparation for my graduation ceremony or about our family portrait. When I was in the third semester, Dad kept asking when I would graduate. I laughed and answered that would be still a long journey. For all my friends, I really mean it, ALL, thank you so much for your support. 

Well, if I keep continuing, I think I will write a graduation speech, LOL. Sorry, I just want to express my gratitude. Once I passed my defense table, I get my degree after my name. So, start from now, call me Fera, S.Psi. Okay, just kidding. Never ever call me like that. I still have to do some revision of my paper. I still go to campus. I don't want to be too satisfied. This is only one of my checkpoints. I have to finish my revision soon, join my graduation ceremony, have our family portrait, do my favorite jobs, and so oooooon...

OMG. I'm so happy to have time to blog again. There are many things I wanna write. My mind and my fingers are too excited.

Kamis, 10 September 2015

Damn

I have no idea what's happening.
I have been getting hang of my chronic back pain for long.
These days, a new pain comes up.
The pain draw a line from my waist to the ankle of my left leg.
It is damn hurt.
Since it's my first time to experience this pain, idk what to do with it.
Hold on, fera.

Kamis, 20 Agustus 2015

Countless Blessing

Tidak semua anugerah datang dengan dibungkus kertas kado. Beberapa dibungkus dengan kertas koran, atau bahkan kertas bekas. Tapi itu tidak berarti itu bukan anugerah. Bahkan, beberapa kado terbaik dari Tuhan datang dengan bungkusan yang usang.
-Merry Riana-

Sometimes things don’t work out well. Yeah, it’s true. Some plans in my life runs not like what I expected, but it doesn’t mean my life is ruined. I need to adjust myself and my expectations according to current situation. For telling you the truth, I expected to graduate in this August. Some troubles come out and try me. Then suddenly me lecturer asked me to join a scientific seminar at my university to give a presentation of my research. I was out of blue. Thinking of my defense table has already made me dying. In my defense table day, I’m going to give a presentation in front of three lecturers from my department. How about this scientific seminar again? Many lecturers and many researchers took participated. The first time I got this news, I didn’t know whether to be happy or nervous. The fact is, I was extremely happy and extremely shocked. My body even trembled. What a stupid.

The deadline was closed. I tried to prepare my slides as simple as possible, but I keep it interesting. Although I have fear with public speaking, I always feel satisfied whenever I overcome this fear. I practiced many times to put my words together. My lecturer gave me a hand by checking and fixing a few parts of my slides. Thank you, bu Diah ^^

Here’s the day. 19th August 2015. Well, I put on eyeliners to make myself a little bit more confident. I was very very very nervous. The room is not as big as I think, but still, the presenters and the professors kinda made me trembling. Hahaha. I don’t even know how many time I took a deep breath to calm myself. When it was my turn, I shouted loudly inside “Aaaaaaaaaaa”. When my slides were opened, a professor asked, “What is scoliosis?” I calmly said that I will explained it in my presentation. I did my presentation calmly without trembling. OMG. I was proud of myself. I usually have my hand trembling at the beginning of presentation no matter I have done many presentations in 4 years. I think I have changed, or it is because of the practices I did. I was so happy that everyone paid attention to my presentation.  My voice was stabile using the microphone. I usually don’t like to use mic because my voice can be super loud.  At the end of my presentation, I remind everyone in the room to raise awareness of scoliosis. Right after I finished my words, I could hear applauses. I received many positive feedbacks. It was absolutely a great moment. I couldn’t stop smiling like a stupid. Lol.

I was amazed. If I weren’t a scolioser, I don’t think I will never ever take this step. Giving a public speaking about my scoliosis was never in my mind since I hated my scoliosis that much. When I try to change and be more open about it, I feel like my life has also been changed. People offer me a hand for my treatment. I have more sincere friends.  I even dare to use scoliosis as my final research paper. If I didn’t dare, I will never get this chance.  It doesn’t matter I will win or not. I’ve tried to bring out the best of me. Of course there are many people who can do far better than me. Life never stops at one point. I can keep learning ^^ Thank you God.

Btw, after finished my presentation, I went back to my faculty and meet Fonds. Today was also her Yudisium day. Yudisium is a kind of graduation celebration in our faculty ^^ Congratulation my dear. I am happy to see you in that black-white suit. Wait to see you on your graduation day!

Kamis, 09 Juli 2015

My Twenty-Two

5th July 2015. 
I am officially 22 years old. In Lunar calender, I’m 23 years old. Yes, it was my birthday! That was Sunday and I was kinda happy to welcome my birthday. I got some surprises from my beloved ones. Let me tell you my surprises one by one. I need to tell you, this gonna be long, really long.

1st surprise from Valen

4th July 2015. In the afternoon, Valen told me that she needed to come to my home to take a paper she left. I was shocked because she told me once that the paper wouldn’t be used anymore and I’ve cut it into pieces. Damn, I was really shocked for a while and thought many solutions to fix the paper. Then she came at about 11 p.m. and gave me a birthday surprise. She told me that the paper problem was a lie. LOL. I felt so stupid. She came with a beautiful dress and make-up because she just came back from a wedding party. I opened the door with pajamas and messy hair. I took picture shamelessly and got shocked too see the result. Hahahaha. Ah let it be! Who cares! I was very very very happy. Thanks for ko Ton for helping Valen to prepare this all. Valen gave me a gift. You know what it is? A folder! A pink folder with clover leaves pattern. I love it so much much much. That was a folder I saw and wish for. I didn’t buy it because I thought that I would come back to the shop another time. I didn’t go there with Valen. I also didn’t tell her anything about it. Oh dear, thank you so much. I realized how much our hearts are connected (sihiiy~). Sure with personal letter inside. It has been a long time I didn’t see her handwriting.  I am very happy. Thank you so much Valen for all the friendship we share. You know you mean more than a friend for me. My bestie, my family.

my super double extra messy look


ko Ton, Valen, and I

valen and I after brushed my hair


2nd surprise (?) from family

5th July 2015. Hmm. I doubt this could be called a surprise or not. Hahaha. Since I know already my sister bought the cake the day before. Yeah, it’s okay. As long as it is my birthday celebration, let’s call it as surprise. Hahaha. Actually we planned for having lunch somewhere on my birthday, but mom got a little accident so she hurt her back and feet. We cancelled the plan because it was impossible for mom to hang out comfortably. Mom decided to cook only. Yes, special for my birthday! Yeay! I was soo happyyyyy. Somehow I think it’s better. Homemade food, mom’s cook, warm food, lunch together, watching TV and laughing together. I cannot imagine something better than those. So, after that, my sister took out the cakes and we took picture together. What my birthday would be without them? Yeah, although sometimes we have some conflicts or argue, we have to appreciate and have quality time like this.




"misua" and red-coloured-eggs. Old tradition in birthday celebration that my family never left.





3rd surprise. My …. I don’t what I should call them since we don’t have a name for our group. Hahaha.
Our friendship has started from 2011 when we participated in a committee for a campus event. We come from different faculties and majors. It just happened. Our personalities are totally different, but we just support each other. Let see, we have Angeline, the most talkative one among us. Delviana, a kind and quiet girl. Angeline and Delviana are from mathematics major. Vivian, the popular girl among boys. LOL, kidding a little bit. Mariana, not really quiet but not really talkative too. Vivi and Mar were the most active committee among us. They are accounting students. Then, Fona, the doctor to be. She is having her co-ass now. On my birthday, I actually had appointment with Vivi only because she said that she wanted to have a chit chat with me. Then, Mar joined because Vivi said that Mar had nothing to do at home. We talked for so long at Road 90’s. I chose to go there because I wanted to have the avocado soo badly.  About 1-2 hours later, Angeline and Del came with a cake. They admitted that they almost forgot my birthday. Hhahaha. Fona couldn’t come, because it was a sudden plan and she was unreachable. Thank you girlssss.  You have made my day! We took some pictures, share the cakes and continue our chit chat.

since they always call me "Mamak"


Mariana, Vivian, me, Delviana, Angeline


4th  surprise from Lena and Xoxo

5th July 2015. In the afternoon, Lena said that she needed to come to my home to give me a sample of questionnaire.  She would come at night after Crunchy Queen was closed. So it meant about 11-12pm. I was okay with that since I seldom sleep early. They knocked my door. When I opened the door, I only saw Xoxo. Xoxo said, “Hello”. I said Hello back then when she was going to enter, she looked at a box she hold, she talked to herself “Eh!”. I didn’t pay attention to it before, then I realized a bakery name written on the box. LOL! Lena came out with cake and Happy Birthday song and blamed Xoxo for that awkward moment. Hahaha, it was so funny. But wait, Lena did come with the cake but without candles. She told me to take a lighter because they forgot to bring lighter. We turned the candles on together. They sang happy birthday song for me and I blew the candles. Yeay! Of course made a wish before. Actually it was 1 am already. Logically, it had been 6th July. But so what? I have a (strange) principle that, as long as I haven’t slept and waken up, the day hasn’t been passed. So, it was still 5th July! Hahaha. Thank youuuuuu  Lena and Xoxo! It was a midnight and you tow were tired after taking care of Crunchy Queen, yet you still made your time for me. If you read my blog from the beginning post, you will know that Lena is my bestie, same like Valen. I first met her in the 1st year of junior. She was very talkative and easily made friends with others. I even don’t know how we can be so close. Hahaha. Then, Xoxo was first a mutual friend from Lena. She is Lena’s bestie also. We hang out and have some talk many times. I realized that she is a very kind and sincere girl. I’m sure we will get close eventually ^^

xoxo, me, Lena


Lena has called me "Keong" since in junior -_-


5th surprise (?) from my psycho(s)

6th July 2015. Okay. Let me tell you why I put question mark after the surprise word. On my birthday, in the evening, they apologized for not giving surprise because it was difficult to match our time. So they asked me how about tomorrow. LOL. We decided to go to RiceVille on the next day. Vilya fetched me with Puspa. Puspa carried the cake box without hiding anything anymore. Hahahaha. Chindy had been waiting there. We had our dinner together first. Taking too many pictures. Since there’s not too many people, the café became like our own home. Going to any seats with good photo spot. Hhaha. After finish dinner, they asked the waiter to take out the cake. They sang happy birthday song for me. Yeay! Although it was not a real surprise, but I was still very very very happy. It was avocado cake! The one I craved for. Hahaha. No matter how hectic their schedule, they made a time for me. Thank youuuuuuuu girls!!!!  Fonds and Merry were supposed to join us, but Fonds has been in Jakarta to pursue her magister study and Merry was not in Medan on that day. Wish we could gather in complete members like the old times.

Puspa, Chindy, me, Vilya

don't know since when they called me "Ferong"





Finish!!! Well, none of them mention my name correctly. LOL. Oh, come on! that's not the point. My birthday has passed, yet until today I am still in my birthday mood. Feel so happy. My circles were some small circles. My birthday might not be a very big celebration. I don’t care what people would say or judge about my friends or about what they gave to me. All the wishes, all the togetherness, all the effort, and the cakes are very meaningful for me. How sleepy they waited until 12 am just to wish me a happy birthday, how they came to surprise me after a tiring day, how Mom still tried to cook for me with her painful back, how sister tried to gave me best cakes, and how they made a time for me in their hectic schedule, those all make me feels like I am very special and worth to be loved. Only God knows how much I love them and how grateful I am. Being surrounded by my beloved ones is the greatest gift I have. One thing you should know, I got the gift not only on my birthday, but also every single day in my life. Thank you, God.

Kamis, 25 Juni 2015

She was.

Once upon a time.
There was a girl hurt by harsh words.
She swore to the ground that the person would feel exactly like how she felt.
She said nothing.
She held her anger and grudge by herself.
She just wanted to make sure that the person would get hurt, even more.
Then time flies.
That girl realized, holding that grudge wasn’t bringing her anywhere.
At the end, the one who was hurt is not that person, but that girl.
By keeping that grudge, she was not being nice to herself.
People say, your situation can change you to a totally different person.
Yes it, can. But don’t forget.
We are human.
We have the ability and the will to decide what we want to do and to be.
She chose to be strong.
Strong enough to forgive and let everything go.
She was once hurt, it was really hurt.
She doesn’t want anyone feel that way anymore.
Enough hurting each other.
She is not a flawless girl.
It doesn’t seem like she is a super angel.
But she did it.
You don’t have to be perfect to start.

Just try and you will be amazed by yourself.


Senin, 22 Juni 2015

A Girl with Scoliosis (Part 13)

One of current trending issues in my life, scoliosis. FYI, terkadang aku bisa typo "scoliosis" jadi "scolisosis". Haha. Ok fine, ga lucu.

Sebenarnya aku lagi ngerjain skripsi. Tapi tiba-tiba ada keinginan kuat untuk membaca blog ini dan ada yang ingin aku share tentang skoliosisku. Ingat bahwa aku pernah mengatakan bahwa aku sudah memutuskan untuk menjalani operasi? Ya, aku memang sudah memutuskan sebelumnya. Tapi coba dengar ceritaku yang satu ini dulu.

2 Juni 2015, aku mengunjungi Centre Point Mall. Di sana ada sebuah klinik International Chiropractic Center yang baru buka setahun terakhir ini. Aku bermaksud menanyakan tentang terapi atau solusi yang ditawarkan untuk skoliosis ku ini. Biasanya sih aku ga tertarik dengan terapi-terapi, ya gimanapun prinsipku tetap 'malu bertanya sesak di jalan'. Eh, sesat maksudnya. Siapa tahu ada harapan baru. Kebetulan hari itu lagi ada pameran di depan LotteMart dan aku pun mendaftar untuk berkonsultasi soal skoliosisku. Kami diberikan formulir untuk mengisi data dan beberapa keluhan kami, semacam self-report. Mama juga ikut berkonsultasi untuk masalah lututnya. Jadi kami sama-sama mengantri. Tiba saat giliran kami, dokternya cukup terkejut dengan skoliosisku yang sudah 115 derajat dan aku masih bisa di sana berdiri berbicara dengan ceria. Dia bahkan merangkulku saking prihatinnya. Aku disarankan untuk membawa hasil rontgen terakhirku, dan juga disarankan untuk menggunakan spinecor. Yeay! Ini tempat pertama di Medan yang memiliki izin untuk membuat spinecor. Aku senang sekali. Jika mau membuat spinecor, ga perlu jauh-jauh lagi ke Malaysia atau Jakarta. Aku pulang dan segera berdiskusi dengan keluarga dan sahabat-sahabatku.

Semua setuju untuk mencoba menggunakan spinecor. Bila bisa sembuh tanpa mengambil resiko (kelumpuhan) dari operasi, mengapa tidak? Aku pun begitu semangat. Semangat dengan harapan baru. Aku merasa Tuhan seperti mengingatkanku dan berkata, "See? I'm watching you. Keep moving!" Hahaha. Lalu, beberapa teman berubah pikiran dan menyarankanku untuk operasi saja mengingat derajatku yang sudah semakin parah. Seorang teman mengatakan, ada seorang skolioser yang meninggal karena tulang rusuknya sudah menusuk jantungnya, 3 bulan sebelum hari H operasinya. Rupanya kondisinya sudah begitu parah dan sudah terlambat. Pikiran negatif mulai membayangiku lagi. Di depan orang aku mungkin terlihat begitu positif. Tapi begitu aku diam dan sendiri, semua pikiran negatif datang menghantui. Bagaimana bila ternyata aku sudah sampai pada tahap seperti itu dan aku bisa saja tiba-tiba pergi kapanpun. Tapi sekali lagi, aku mengingatkan diriku bahwa masalah nyawa sepenuhnya ada di tangan Tuhan. Aku akan pergi bila memang saatnya, dan aku akan tetap di sini selama waktuku belum habis.

Tidak hanya mengandalkan pendapat keluarga dan teman saja, aku berusaha mencari beberapa testimoni dari para pengguna spinecor. Beberapa skolioser memang bisa berkurang derajatnya menggunakan spinecor. Kebanyakan adalah skolioser dengan derajat ringan-sedang. Untuk derajat di atas 100, belum ada. Ditambah lagi, kebanyakan sumber, teori, dokter, mengatakan bahwa brace hanya efektif untuk skoliosis dengan derajat di bawah 40. Untuk kategori parah, sudah disarankan untuk menjalani operasi.

Okay, jadi kesimpulannya adalah aku masih galau antara operasi atau spinecor. Aku pelan-pelan memikirkannya agar bisa memutuskan dengan matang.

Selasa, 09 Juni 2015

Adult

As we grow, we think of many things.
At one point, I realized that I once have some dreams.
Some dreams that people say it were impossible and unreachable.
I once forgot those dreams that keeps me alive.
Now, the fire starts burning inside me again.

Selasa, 28 April 2015

A Girl With Scoliosis (Part 12)

Ketika menuliskan judul post ini, jujur aku jadi ragu apakah aku masih bisa disebut "girl" di usia 22 tahun ini. Oke, abaikan.

Tidak terasa aku uda sanggup berbagi selusin (12 parts) cerita skoliosis ku di blog ini. For your information, memulai untuk terbuka sangatlah sulit. Yeah, taking the first step was not easy. But here I am. Uda selusin yang aku bagi! Di sela-sela waktuku, aku blog-surfing a.k.a stalk beberapa blog scolioser lainnya. Ohya, hari ini juga aku nambahin satu gadget di blog aku. Coba cek sebelah kanan halaman blog ini. Ada yang judulnya "My Fav Scoliosers". Mereka adalah segudang scolioser yang aku sering stalk. Hehehe. Dari kegiatan blog surfing ini, aku merasa lebih percaya diri dan lebih aware dengan skoliosis. Salah satu blog favoritku adalah blog allya innaz. Blog itu lengkap banget soal skoliosis! Teman-teman baik sesama scoliosers maupun non-scoliosers pasti jadi lebih pintar setelah baca blog itu. Nah, dari hasil blog surfing hari ini, ada beberapa hal yang menarik perhatianku:

1. WANITA SKOLIOSER APAKAH BISA HAMIL?

Iya, aku memang seorang skolioser. Tapi aku juga seorang wanita #cieileeeh. Oke serius. Sebagai remaja yang bertransisi ke masa dewasa bersama dengan skolioser, aku tidak terlepas dari isu ini. Mama beberapa kali mengkhawatirkan nanti kalau aku hamil gimana. Aku memang belum menikah tapi ya namanya orang tua. Memikirkan masa depan anaknya. Secara, aku yang masih lajang ini bawa laptop 14 inci aja kadang sesak-sesak dan nyeri sana sini. Membayangkan hamil dan harus menenteng sesuatu di perut setiap saat, agak hmmmm. Nah, dari hasil blog surfing aku, ternyata banyak loh penelitian yang menunjukkan bahwa gak ada pengaruh skoliosis ke kehamilan. Wanita skolioser bisa hamil dan melahirkan sama seperti wanita lainnya. Yang signifikan mungkin di rasa nyeri dan sesaknya. Saat hamil, janin kan mendorong diafragma ke atas, sang ibu yang skolioser mungkin akan merasa lebih sesak dibanding ibu non-skolioser. Juga wanita skolioser yang hamil akan merasakan nyeri punggung/pinggang yang lebih signifikan. Membayangkannya emang agak menyiksa. Hahaha. Tapi itu bukan berarti aku akan takut. Dalam pandanganku, menjadi ibu itu sebuah anugerah. Entah apakah ini dikarenakan aku punya hubungan yang dekat dengan Mama. Aku sangat mengagumi para Ibu dan berharap suatu hari bisa menjadi a mother with a warm heart.

2. SCOLIOSER BECAME A LIFTER?

Papa dulunya adalah seorang pelatih angkat besi yang sempat memenangkan PON (Pekan Olahraga Nasional) berkali-kali loh. Eits, tapi bukan berarti aku mau mengikuti jejak Papa. Berikut ini adalah cerita salah satu lifter yang keren banget! Dia scolioser! Dia juga lifter! Coba baca sedikit kutipannya dulu ya (sumber: http://stronglifts.com/lamar-gant-long-limbs-deadlift/)

If you’re not familiar with Lamar Gant, he was the 1st man to Deadlift 5x body-weight: 661lb at 132lb. He later pulled 688lbs and is the world record holder in the 123lb and 132lb weight class. Lamar Gant is 15x IPF world champion, 18x National Champion and even made the Guinness Book of Records. Before you say that it was easier for him because he had gorilla like arms that almost reached the top of his knees, look at his other lifts. Lamar Gant was NOT just an amazing Deadlifter, he also achieved a 615lb Squat and 352lb Bench! Lamar Gant Benched 352lb at 132lb even though he had gorilla like arms. 

Add that Gant also had scoliosis, and as you can see on the picture below, he has a lot more curvature than StrongLifts Member Harrison (“Maslow”, page 69 in the 5×5 report) and I do. Maybe this was one of Gant’s motivation: keeping his back healthy by strengthening the surrounding muscles with heavy lifting. Lamar Gant had scoliosis and yet he became a world class lifter. If Lamar Gant could do it, why not you?
Tulang belakangnya yang berbentuk S
WOW banget gak sih? Lihat bagaimana dia membentuk semua otot-ototnya bersama skoliosisnya. Aku terinspirasi banget pas baca cerita Lamant Gant ini. Bukan terinspirasi untuk membentuk otot juga. Tapi lihat bagaimana kuatnya dia. Dia sanggup mengalahkan semua rasa nyerinya! Aku berjanji akan tidak sering mengeluh lagi.

3. RESIKO OPERASI

Aku merencanakan akan berkonsultasi dengan dokter mengenai operasiku setelah skripsiku selesai. Yap, aku memutuskan akan melakukan operasi untuk skoliosis ini. Tentunya, semuanya harus sesuai dengan kehendak Tuhan. Aku akan berusaha semampuku, sisanya akan kupercayakan kepada-Nya. Baik sebelum maupun sesudah mengambil keputusan ini, sebenarnya aku terkadang terbayang dengan resiko operasi, yaitu lumpuh. Bahkan ada yang bilang, pen/implan yang tertanam bisa saja patah dan menusuk syaraf di tulang belakang yang bisa menyebabkan lumpuh di daerah tertentu. Hm, serem sih. Tapi kejadian begitu hanya satu banding sekian banyaknya kasus. Apalagi mengingat zaman sekarang yang makin topcer, resiko itu sudah diminimalisir atau hampir tidak ada. Otak manusia cenderung membesar-besarkan hal negatif. Itu yang membuat hal yang seharusnya tidak perlu dipermasalahkan menjadi kekhawatiran besar. Setelah sadar akan hal ini, aku berusaha memberitahu otakku agar tidak membesar-besarkan masalah. Yah, ini juga salah satu kekuranganku. Aku kadang mengkhawatirkan yang tidak perlu.

4. BIAYA OPERASI

Di beberapa FAQ pre-operation menyebutkan bahwa biaya operasi skoliosis biasanya berkisar 70-80 juta. Tapi ini tergantung lagi berapa jumlah implan yang dipasang. Dua tahun lalu dokterku menyatakan kisaran operasi untuk skoliosisku adalah 200juta. Perbedaan yang besar bukan? Saat itu aku tidak bertanya lebih detail lagi karena saat itu aku juga tidak berniat operasi. Sekarang uda ada niat operasi baru muncul tanda tanya -_- beginilah manusia, saudara-saudara. Tebak tebak berhadiah, mungkin ini disebabkan oleh derajat kurvaku yang sudah tergolong sangat parah sehingga implan yang perlu dipasang lebih banyak. Aku bersyukur sekaaaaaaaali ada beberapa tangan yang mengulurkan bantuan untukku sehingga aku tidak terlalu khawatir soal biaya lagi. Aku hanya sedikit khawatir menjadi tidak produktif pasca operasi. Bagaimana bisa aku tidak mengajar selama satu bulan. Tapi kan masih bisa jualan ya. Ah, sudahlah. Selama ada kemauan pasti ada jalan. Selama itu memang rezekiku ga akan kemana. #memangmataduitan

5. ALTERNATIF?

Nah, selain operasi aku mempertimbangkan beberapa alternatif. Secara medis memang untuk kurvaku (115 derajat), satu-satunya jalan adalah operasi. Namun, ada kemungkinan aku tidak bisa mengikuti operasi seperti halnya kesehatanku yang belum cukup siap (tubuhku tergolong lemah) atau biaya yang belum cukup. Banyak yang menyarankan yoga dan berenang. Untuk yoga, ternyata yoga hanya disarankan bagi skolioser dengan kurva ringan. Kalau sudah parah sepertiku, ditakutkan bisa lebih progressive lagi kurvaku. Kalau berenang gimana? Berenang juga ada gaya tertentu aja yang boleh dilakukan. Gak sembarangan. Aku lupa nama gayanya, yang gaya cantik punggungnya terapung gitu. Hm, jujur sejujurnya, aku gak bisa berenang sama sekali. Aku berusaha mencari waktu untuk les berenang. Kakakku mau menemaniku berenang setiap hari Minggu tapi aku ngajar di hari Minggu pagi :'( Ohya, satu lagi alternatif yang aku pikirkan, yaitu SpineCor! Spinecor itu brace lentur yang katanya bisa mengurangi kurva juga. Tapi aku belum pernah melihat testimoni dari skolioser derajat 100 ke atas yang menggunakan spinecor. Untuk hal ini, nanti aku akan diskusikan dengan dokter.

6. DOs AND DONTs FOR SCOLIOSERS

Oh ini adalah salah satu isu yang paling mengejutkan aku. Beberapa dokter di web terkait treatment scoliosis menganjurkan agar penderita skoliosis tidak melakukan gerakan yang berkaitan dengan melenturkan tulang belakang, misalnya kayang. Omg, itu adalah salah satu hal yang selalu kucoba saat aku merasakan nyeri di punggung. Satu lagi! Posisi tidur gak boleh telungkup (bersandar pada perut) karena ini adalah pose terburuk bagi scolioser. OMG OMG. Ini adalah posisi favoritku kalau ngerjain tugas atau main laptop. Soalnya aku gak tahan duduk. Kayak harus selalu menopang tulang belakangku dan low back pain akan muncul. Sebentar-sebentar aku harus berbaring dan bisa ketiduran atau jadi males. Sedangkan kalau posisi telungkup, aku bisa bertahan lebih lama. Memang aku sadari, setelah mengerjakan tugas/main laptop dengan posisi telungkup, aku merasakan nyeri di bagian atas punggung atau di bagian depan dada. Setelah mengetahui hal ini, aku berusaha mengganti-ganti posisiku. Kalau tidur juga harus posisi yang ideal, gak boleh bertumpu pada satu sisi badan.


Sekian untuk hari ini ya. Setelah siap ngetik baru sadar kalau post ini panjang banget. Maaf aku bukan tipe yang bisa nulis tulisan singkat jelas padat. Semoga bermanfaat. Have a nice day everyone ^^

Fera Leo, a scolioser

Senin, 20 April 2015

17th April 2015: In Memoriam of Dad

Two years passed. 

I don't like to grieve for too long but that day was different. That day was two years memorial of Dad. 
17th April 2013- 17th April 2015

For telling you the truth, my relationship with Dad was not as close as others. We had lived separately since I was very very young because of my parents' divorce. Yes, I was very young and I even didn't really understand why we suddenly lived separately. There was a hard time when my family had to adjust with that situation. But then everything went like nothing happened. Dad kept visiting us. He didn't stay in the same home with us, it didn't mean he had left us. We went swimming on Sundays. That we refers to me, my sister, my mother and my father. My complete family. Dad took us to swimming pool at Thamrin Plaza. Mom took care of me and my sister. Dad watched us from the gym center next to swimming pool. When we felt tired, we took a break and had snacks together. The common snacks we had were that "kue Mayung" sold at the 1st floor or fried rice from Food Court. My silly Dad would join us and made some jokes. Laughing together at the pool side. Spending day like that was amazing.

Then  we grow up. Dad started to be busy with his new family. He spent weekend without us. Another new situation we had to adjust with again. It was not easy. When Sunday came, we prepared everything and waited for Dad fetch us to swimming. He didn't come. We gave him a call and he said he couldn't swim on that day and asked us to go by ourselves. He promised us that he would join next time. But that day never comes. We lost him. 

Things like that happened a lot. I went through many situation that I had to adjust with. Some I succeed, some I failed. He was too far for me to reach. Sometimes Dad visited us and talked about random things. He sometimes forgot how old I am or when is my birthday. I once asked him why he left us. He answered "because your mom can earn money by herself". Mom is an independent woman. I was very young and dont know what he meant. The older I am,  I tried to think about it. So, because of Mom's independence, does she deserve to be left? Do we deserve that hard situations? I questioned everything in my mind. Mom suffers enough and I just keep everything in mind. No need to bother her. I answered the questions by myself until that day came.

He suddenly left us again. Another hard time to bear. I went through it. I have already been able to smile or laugh while I talk about Dad. However, I can't lie that I still miss him. I miss him a lot. I still wish he were here. We miss him. Rewinding all the memories, it is still unbelievable he had gone. I have passed two years without you, Dad. Will I be able to go through other years without you? Even while writing this post, I cannot hold my tears. You know your youngest daughter is not that strong. Not at all.


Kamis, 16 April 2015

A Girl with Scoliosis (Part 11)

Hey dear,

Back to me, one of the scoliosers. Kalau uda nampak judul postingan ini, seharusnya uda tau dong ya aku mau bahas apa. 

Fyi, aku lagi nyusun skripsi berkaitan dengan skoliosis dimana aku mengutip beberapa blog sesama skolioser untuk dijadikan latar belakangku. Yah, memang sedang sedikit stress dengan skripsi. Kekhawatiran ga bisa cepat tamat sedang menyelimuti. Tetapi setiap aku membaca kutipan blog teman-teman sesama scolioser, itu membuatku lebih kuat. Membuatku menyadari bahwa aku tidak sendiri di dunia ini. Bukan aku seorang yang hanya mengalami skoliosis ini. Membuatku sadar bahwa ada orang lain, dengan cerita skoliosis versi hidupnya. Aku bersyukur memilih topik ini untuk penelitianku. Bermanfaat untuk orang lain dan diriku juga. 

Hubungan dengan teman-teman skolioser juga semakin erat. Senang sekali rasanya bisa berbagi dengan mereka. As you know, derajatku (terakhir kali dicek sekitar 1-2 tahun lalu) adalah 115 derajat yang mana itu termasuk golongan parah (severe). Belakangan ini, aku sedang merasakan efek dari skoliosis ini. Tulang rusukku sakit setiap aku menarik nafas. Nafasku pun mulai terasa semakin pendek-pendek. Terkadang jantungku tiba-tiba terasa dililit tali. Aku merasakan nyeri di bagian pinggang hingga pinggulku. Saat duduk, aku merasakan tulang ekorku seperti memberontak dan menarik-narik diriku untuk berbaring. Saat berdiri, aku merasakan nyeri seolah tulang belakangku tak sanggup menopang diriku lagi. Aku berusaha sekuat mungkin untuk melakukan kegiatanku seperti biasanya. Namun, ada kalanya aku menyerah dan memilih mengambil hari off. Ada kalanya aku takut sekali mungkin saja tulang rusukku sudah menjepit jantungku dan aku bisa mati kapan saja.

Keadaan ini terkadang membuatku merasa tidak berguna. Di saat Mama dan kakakku bekerja, aku tidak ingin membebani dan ingin ikut bekerja keras, bahkan jika bisa lebih keras lagi. Tapi badan ini memberontak dan menuntutku untuk hanya berbaring. Aku sedang menimbang-nimbang jalan yang akan kupilih setelah menyelesaikan studi S-1 ini. Beberapa teman memilih melanjutkan S-2, beberapa teman memilih untuk bekerja (biasanya lulusan S-1 kebanyakan bekerja sebagai HRD). 

Menjadi HRD memang sesuai dengan jurusan kuliahku (psikoologi), tapi biasanya pekerjaan ini akan membutuhkan waktu full time 8 jam di kantor dan gaji, yah sekitaran UMR. Jujur aku takut aku tidak bisa bertahan dengan kondisi fisiknya. Sedangkan jika tetap lanjut mengajar, waktu ku akan lebih fleksibel dan jujur saja penghasilan mengajar yang notabene hanya beberapa jam bisa lebih besar daripada kerja kantoran yang 8 jam. Cuma aku merasa sayang dengan ilmu yang sudah kuperoleh di bangku kuliah. Melanjutkan S-2 masih menjadi pilihan terakhirku. Tanya ditanya, untuk psikologi profesi minimal menghabiskan 50 juta untuk 2.5 tahun. Yah, ini semua masih pertimbangan. Aku akan memikirkannya sembari menyelesaikan tugas akhir ini.

Di samping semua kekuranganku sebagai scolioser, aku ingin melakukan banyak hal untuk keluarga dan temanku. Aku hanya bisa berdoa agar Tuhan membantuku dalam setiap langkahku. Di saat aku merasa hidup ini kacau, aku berusaha mengingat bahwa mungkin rencana Tuhan akan lebih indah daripada rencanaku.

Ohya, hari ini aku berpapasan dengan seseorang. Seseorang yang pernah mengatai aku cacat karena skoliosisku. Aku tidak bisa bohong kalau aku dulu sangat sakit hati hingga menangis dikatai begitu. Tapi hari ini tidak lagi, aku sudah bisa berlapang dada dan tersenyum ketika berpapasan dengan orang itu. Tidak ada lagi kebencian. Yang ada hanya pengertian. Dan aku bangga dengan diriku sendiri untuk hal ini... Jika orang mengataimu, itu mungkin karena dia tidak mengerti apa yang terjadi. Maafkanlah orang lain seperti kita memaafkan setiap kesalahan kita sendiri. Hidup ini akan terasa lebih ringan. Jika semua orang berpikir bahwa mata harus dibalas mata, maka semua orang di dunia ini akan buta.



Salam tangguh,

Fera Leo, a scolioser

Selasa, 07 April 2015

Win or Lose

The greatest glory is when you win above yourself.
The best lost is when you lose to your arrogancy and anger.

Selasa, 24 Maret 2015

Another Random Post

Dear Darlaa,

Okay. Here I am. Still with my in.som.nia.

I try to find any activities that make my body tired to fall asleep earlier. But it is just in vain. No matter how much tired I am, my mind keeps being busy and my eyes don't want to close for a while. The next morning you will find me with my dark eyebags and in an idiot state in the morning. It's 1.42 am now and I have appointment with my lecturer tomorrow morning. Good job, Fera. You can ruin yourself.

Oh, come on. I don't want to discuss about that. 

To kill the time, I just want to share about some random things. To be honest, I was just too busy about myself. Forget to take a while and look my surroundings. It's not only me who is having hard time. The others are, too. I always say that everyone has a story. Sometimes I focus too much on my story and forget that the other stories. Okay, this is not about interfering someone's life. I like to listen to or read other's stories. They remind me that my life is not that difficult like what I think. 

For strangers or people who do not know me well, I will be so quiet. Yes, I mean it. QUIET. I only say one or two words, even the situation can get awkward. I'm a girl that people will not look twice at me. If they do, they are only curious with my scoliosis back. Sometimes I smile a lot, sometimes only poker face you can see from me. That is the moody part of me. In fact, I'm a scolioser who bites my own lips everytime the back pain comes. A scolioser who scares to die in surgery. A daughter who tries to earn much money for her family. A daughter who lies a lot to her mom so her mom will not worry much. A friend that hides many things. A friend who has sharp mouth but caring inside.A girl who always say "Yes, I can", "Okay, fine. I get used to it." with trembling legs.And so on...

In the other parts of the world, there might be another girl like me and other girls with their own stories. Sometimes I wish people could understand me fully. I'm not good at expressing my thought or my feeling. So, here I am with my busy mind written in my posts.

Sabtu, 21 Maret 2015

Insomnia

Recently I realize that my insomnia is getting worse. When other people in my home has been sleeping, it will be hard for me to sleep. I stay awake until 3 or 4 a.m by repeating to myself that "everything is okay. the others will awake soon." I don't have an idea since when it starts. But sure, I can feel that I can't function fully in my daily activities because of lack of sleep. So, I can't let this bad habit stay with me for too long.

Think of it, I try to find why this happens. Hm, since I am a psychology student, I think that I should be able to treat myself. Maybe it sounds crazy. I diagnosed myself -_- First, I try to find the reason it happens. I am anxious when other people fall asleep and leave me alone in my awake state. Why I feel anxious? I keep believing that I should take care of my home, my family. That makes me have to stay awake to stay aware. So I only have to wait until one of the others wake up and take turn to keep guard my family. I realize that I lost something. The secure feeling. I really mean it, secure, safety. 

I just need to make sure myself that my family will be safe. I lost a father's figure in my family. He was the only man in my family who I could rely on. After he passed away, I keep thinking that I should be able to take care of myself and my family. I should take his place. I should be strong. In fact, I never gonna be able to do that. His place has been a missing hole in my life. I miss him.

Jumat, 20 Februari 2015

Happy Chinese New Year 2015

Hey Darla \(^o^)/

It's Chinese New Year! Gong Xi Fat Choi everyone

 This year is such a blessing year. I feel sooooo sooo soooo extremely welcoming this new year. Approaching this CNY, I felt and learnt about the pleasure of giving and receiving. Receiving kindness from someone else is a really happiness. Then the happiness is so contagious and I always feel like want to share the happiness.

Mom had been kinda hectic before CNY. I got full time job before CNY. So, it's a little bit tired for us to prepare stuff for CNY. That's why I deal with back pain and kept posting about scoliosis. Haha. I realized that is my bad habit. I didn't tell anyone about the pain because I dont want to look weak. But I kept posting about scoliosis in my socmed, like instagram and bbm. Lol. But it's okay. I'm okay now! Ready for having fun in CNY. Yeay !

After being so busy on CNY eve, we were very tired. We decided not to go anywhere on the 1st day. We stayed at home welcoming guests and family. Mom needs a lot of rest. We took a rest (actually a nap) while there is no guest. Today is absolutely a nice day. We didn't miss the chance to take some pictures! Haha.

As usual, we always go to Binjai in every CNY. But in this CNY we will go there on the 2nd day, which is tomorrow. Yuhuuuu~ I'm always excited to go there to meet uncle aunt, my cousins, and my little nephews and nieces. Hehe of course I can't resist the food there. Oh ya, in my age, I dont care about red pockets anymore. Mom always says that we (I & my sister) are too old to receive red pockets. We can earn money by ourselves. Yeah even when people give me, I still take it and thank. Hahaha. But the meaning of red pockets for me has been different. When I was young, I saw red pockets as my additional pocket money. I would think what I wanted to buy. But now, olders say that red pocket is a way to share luck. I value more the togetherness with my family and the taste of homemade food. Chinese New Year is nothing without family. Although I have only a small family, being with them is a blessing.

I cut my bang! 

Red and electric blue <3

My lovely mom

Happiness is that smile. My mom's smile. =)

Sis and mom

Mommy is sooo beautiful, isnt it?

Our simple decorations for cookies jar

That's all for today! Happy CNY everyone!

Jumat, 30 Januari 2015

Kelas Remaja 2-4 Jan 2015

Dear Darlaa,

NB. This post is going to be long. Prepare your eyes if you are willing to read it =D


I don’t know since I have left my daily journal, a.k.a. my diary. I think I kinda miss it. So much unspoken things. Hm but in this post I don’t wanna tell anything sad. Still remember my post about “Kelas Remaja” one? On 2nd-4th January, I joined the class again. I like to join it very very much. To be honest, this is only my second time to join the event or the class. The class is held only for teenager, which means for 15-25 aged person. Yeah, I know I almost can’t be counted as teenager anymore. I am 22 now. LOL. But come on, just call me a teenager this time. Okay,I’m going to share my experience joining the class. A valuable experience.

The first day I arrived, I met Stasya, Mili and ci Ai Lie because we were in the same car. We got closer since the Mooncake festival. I am so happy to meet them again. I don’t care even our age is kinda far different.  I’m happy to make friends with them. Stasya is a very cheerful high school student with beautiful face. Mili is Stasya’s younger sister, who is very quiet, yet still a sweet girl. Ci Ai Lie is a mature woman who has very good attitude. You should know how lucky I am to know them.  Then I shared the same room with Ci Ai Lie, Catherine, and Dewi. I think they have known each other before. I felt like outsider at first. But as the time flies, I can adapt quite well. I was in the same group with my roommates, Felixianie, Selestine, Josi, and Ci Phei Fen.  Other new friends of course! So happy and nervous at the same time. Hihi. We might be a little awkward at first. But when we practiced our drama roles, we sure could laugh together and we got known each other’s craziness. LOL. Oh ya I also met Alsina again. My groupmate at the Mooncake Festival event. She is a sweet girl.

I forgot whether I have shared about Mooncake Festival event. We performed a drama and a vocal group.  I didn’t play a big role in drama since I was lack in some points. Hihi. That’s why I still could perform  in vocal group which we sang and did sign language. Hmm, to be honest I’m not good at singing at all. Even I did some mistakes in our perform. But it’s okay. I tried am I was very very very very happy. I tried to do my very best. My friends in vocal group are Alsina, whom I mentioned before, Catherine, Cindy, Yana, Yanti, and Yelita. My friends in drama are Ci Ai Lie, Stasya, Ai Chin, Cindy also, and the rest, boys’ name which I can’t remember. For telling you the truth, It’s hard to remember people’s name. Even  I forgot some of my friends’ name because of a long time we haven’t met. My bad.

Mooncake Festival
Mooncake Festival

Okay, back to the topic. So, I learned a lot again from the class. We did so many activities, not only listening to Dhammadesana, but also games, cooking class, watching movie, singing, etc. Yeah, sometimes I got bored while I was listening to Dhammadesana. I couldn’t deny it because I felt very very very very tired to sit for hours. My back felt pain a lot. But I tried my best to sit and listen, sometimes I went to restroom to stretch or use the break time to lay down on bed. I don’t want to be different from others. Yeah I did it! I finished the class without complaining any back pain \(^o^)/ Yeay!

Don’t ask me about the cooking class. I failed. Hahahha. My taste is very bad and I still wonder why I became the tester on that day. Our best cook is Ci Ai Lie. Because of my bad taste, I ruined her cooking. Hhahaha. It was very funny. In singing class? Just sing however I wanted and I could. Lol. In the watching movie session, we watched Nabi Nuh’s Ark movie. It is a good movie. After the movie, as usual, we were told to give our opinion. We were asked to discussed in group then sent someone to presentate the result. I was the representative of my group. During group discussion, I kept quiet a lot because my opinion is kinda sensitive and I thought maybe I would come out a little tear. So I would keep my opinion until I stood in front so I only had to say it one time. Do you know what is it about? The movie taught me that sometimes God might bring us to hard situations which we don’t understand why it should happen. We blame anyone, even sometimes ourselves about that. In fact, God is preparing a very good plan for us who can pass it well. In my case, it’s the closest case with my scoliosis. If you read my scoliosis post, during my high school, I had a hard situation. I even didn’t know who to blame about my scoliosis. All I know is only “I am a very weird girl like a monster. Nobody likes me. I am worthless”. As the time flies, I do understand why I am given this scoliosis. I was helped in some situations. When other people suffered because all they are same or normal, I was treated different because my back is different and they were afraid to hurt me. I was so amazed. Is this why God gave me this scoliosis? Although I kept being angry, God prepared good things to me. I can’t lie that some tears came out while I was speaking in front, about my scoliosis. It is a rare time. But I kept smiling till the end.

At the end of the class, as usual we were given chances to give testimonial. One by one stood in front and spoke. Until a boy came out. He has a different style. His hair is longer, not like for his age. He said he was salute for me to have courage speaking about my back. Nothing to lie, I was touched and some tears come out. He has an abnormal neckbone that he tried to hide it using his long hair. That’s the first time I know why he grows his hair. He said that he had tried so many ways to hide the abnormal neckbone.  But then he was surprised that I, who have abnormal spine, could speak about it in front of many people. I might not reply him directly at that time. But I write my reply here, in case if you read it boy.


To reach until this stage, It’s not easy. I have to pass my high school moment, where girls like from ugly ducklings  turned to swans and I still withdrawn myself from society, played in my safe circle. My worthless feeling was undescribable. If people just left me of made friends with me just because of some advantages, I would understand because I had nothing and it’s normal to leave me. I cried a lot to see my parents’ worrying me or fighting because of my back solution. I put much anger while trying a loose T-Shirt when other girls in my age were trying body-fit dress. It’s not easy at all. It takes time until I realize why I was born like this, what I should do in this situation. I tried my very best to keep positive and learned many inspirative books. You should embrace yourself while others can’t do it for you. My mind is mine so I have the power to control it. In this world, there are somethings you can’t change,  which in my case it’s my scoliosis. There are also somethings you can change, which it’s my mind and my behavior. I never choose to be born as scolioser, but I can choose to live positively and share inspiration to others. If I, who have bent spine, can do it, why can’t you? Everyone sure deserves the best. 

Photo of our group