17th April 2015: In Memoriam of Dad

Two years passed. 

I don't like to grieve for too long but that day was different. That day was two years memorial of Dad. 

17th April 2013- 17th April 2015

For telling you the truth, my relationship with Dad was not as close as others. We had lived separately since I was very very young because of my parents' divorce. Yes, I was very young and I even didn't really understand why we suddenly lived separately. There was a hard time when my family had to adjust with that situation. But then everything went like nothing happened. Dad kept visiting us. He didn't stay in the same home with us, it didn't mean he had left us. We went swimming on Sundays. That we refers to me, my sister, my mother and my father. My complete family. Dad took us to swimming pool at Thamrin Plaza. Mom took care of me and my sister. Dad watched us from the gym center next to swimming pool. When we felt tired, we took a break and had snacks together. The common snacks we had were that "kue Mayung" sold at the 1st floor or fried rice from Food Court. My silly Dad would join us and made some jokes. Laughing together at the pool side. Spending day like that was amazing.

Then  we grow up. Dad started to be busy with his new family. He spent weekend without us. Another new situation we had to adjust with again. It was not easy. When Sunday came, we prepared everything and waited for Dad fetch us to swimming. He didn't come. We gave him a call and he said he couldn't swim on that day and asked us to go by ourselves. He promised us that he would join next time. But that day never comes. We lost him. 

Things like that happened a lot. I went through many situation that I had to adjust with. Some I succeed, some I failed. He was too far for me to reach. Sometimes Dad visited us and talked about random things. He sometimes forgot how old I am or when is my birthday. I once asked him why he left us. He answered "because your mom can earn money by herself". Mom is an independent woman. I was very young and dont know what he meant. The older I am,  I tried to think about it. So, because of Mom's independence, does she deserve to be left? Do we deserve that hard situations? I questioned everything in my mind. Mom suffers enough and I just keep everything in mind. No need to bother her. I answered the questions by myself until that day came.

He suddenly left us again. Another hard time to bear. I went through it. I have already been able to smile or laugh while I talk about Dad. However, I can't lie that I still miss him. I miss him a lot. I still wish he were here. We miss him. Rewinding all the memories, it is still unbelievable he had gone. I have passed two years without you, Dad. Will I be able to go through other years without you? Even while writing this post, I cannot hold my tears. You know your youngest daughter is not that strong. Not at all.