Today, I was tricked by a friend that there was a crazy guy downstairs. I was going to leave and I had to go downstairs. It made me afraid that I might run to the crazy guy. My three-year-old student hugged me and said that he wanted to accompany me. I laughed and realized what a coward I am. Haha. However, that's a cute side of him and I'm really proud of him. Although he often overacts while studying or may be selfish sometimes, he, who is still a little kid, have a sincere heart to accompany me. Sincerity never fails to touch me. I never regret to choose this path as my career. The more days passed, the more it feels like "yes I belong here".
Rabu, 18 Mei 2016
Senin, 16 Mei 2016
Grown Up?
Hey, Darla. Being a grown up is not that easy. I now fully understand how it's like to be the eldest in family. It takes greater patience and wisdom. Some responsibilities really drained my energy physically and mentally. However, I went through it well. Thank you God for guiding me. Thank you Mom for supporting me.
Jumat, 15 April 2016
The 'WHY'
Sorry Darla for all my random thoughts. This night owl cannot stop thinking during night. Please just bear a bit. I think this is not going to be long.
I remember of a simulation I joined last time. There was a big question given to us. The point is, only one of me or my mother or my sister can survive so we got to choose. As you know (my bad habit), I often think from any perspectives. It helps and confuses me at the same time. I bet my first answer would be to let my mother survive and so would my sister's answer. How could I survive while I had to sacrifice my beloved ones. My physical body might stay alive but not my mental. My beloved ones are the only reason I keep alive until today. My reason why I want to be success, why I want to heal my scoliosis, and my other 'why'(s) are all about my beloved. I might not be able to live if I lost every one of them. Moreover, my mother is like the core of my 'why'. It will be better for me to die rather than seeing my mother dying and losing her. That's my perspective.
Then how about my mother. My mother is a single parent. Even she never says her feelings bluntly, I don't know since when I realize that we (her daughters) are the reason why she wants to survive. She gave up on everything she wants just to take care of us. Mom was once a very fashionable girl and liked to travel anywhere. After living separately with Dad, she did lose hope and thought that she was not supposed to marry. She once tried to suicide. I was so small that time and didn't understand it deeply. What I know was just Mom kept crying silently. Although I have difficulty since I was young, when Mom asked me to go to bed, I would listen and pretend to sleep. After finished her work, she came into the room and kissed our foreheads. When I grow up, I realize that Mom was pulling herself together that time. She has lessen her make-up things and seldom sew new clothes for herself. All she sews are for her daughters. She stops hanging out with her friends to take care of us. She stops buying many shoes to buy us new shoes although she really liked to collect shoes. She always lies that she doesn't like to eat meat just to let us eat more. She always says that she is strong although she is not. She throws away all her happiness just to provide us a good life. To bear all of those alone, it must be very hard. Mom would lose her hope if she lost us.
After taking my mom's perspective, I realize that everyone is trapped by fear of losing. We cannot face the losing of the ones we love because it is really hard thing to do. To say "just let me die first before you die" is a selfish thing to say. If we cannot bear the losing, do you think the one we love will be able to bear it? You only care that you will not end up feeling the loss but the survived one is actually left with emptiness and regrets. Love of parents to their children is greater than what we can imagine.
I do not want to lose my mom and so does her. If I am her reason to stay alive, what I know is I have to live happily and healthily. That's how to make her happy. Do you get it? It's like my happiness grows thousand times when I see my mother smiles. So I have to be happy. Then my mother's happiness can be multiplied thousand times. Let's make each other happy and live happily now because you may be someone's "WHY".
A Girl with Scoliosis (Part 15)
Btw I managed to take this photo just in order to have a record of my curve progress. I think this kind of photo is useful to raise awareness of scoliosis. Many people said that photo like this is breathtaking. This is just a warning that scoliosis is something more than what you imagine. Three years ago, my curve was 115 degree. I keep telling my other scolioser friends that I don't want them to end up like mine. Early treatment is very necessary before the curve gets worse. Some people might see this as what kind of naked body photograph. I don't have authority to rule others' mind so I don't mind too much. You have no idea what I've been through.
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A-ah, I found this video not long ago. It is so touching and inspiring. Watch until the end. It is not only about scoliosis. It is to give us a slap that nobody is perfect.
Kamis, 14 April 2016
Who Says - Selena Gomez & The Scene
So, Darla. This is one of my favorite songs. It is really inspiring for me. Enjoy!
Jumat, 08 April 2016
A Girl with Scoliosis (Part 14)
Aloha !
It's been a while I did not post any entries regarding to my scoliosis. I've decided to have surgery. My spine specialist suggests me to have the surgery in KL. I asked how about Jakarta since some of my friends had the surgery there and it went well. Moreover, I have my aunt in Jakarta to take care of my mother there. You know, during surgery, not only the patient that has to be taken care, but also the guardians. What I worry most is my mother. I might suffer some physical pain, but my mother's mental is the one needs to be prepared well. However, doctor said that even the doctors in Jakarta will suggest me to KL too after they see my case. So, I am still with my KL option. I am scheduled to meet my surgeon in July. Why July? I am a teacher and I have to wait until my students finish their semester exams.
Meanwhile, one of my scolioser friends recommends me to yoga. I was not interested at first since I have ever read only certain yoga can be conducted to scolioser. Wrong choice of yoga can lead to worsen my curve. A friend joined a class of yoga and she said it works well on her. She told me the yoga types. It is a rare type and I searched it thorough yoga centre in my city but I found nothing. That was how I gave up in yoga. Nah, this yoga my friend recommends one is yoga for scoliosis. Yes, YOGA FOR SCOLIOSIS. Plus, you know what? It's free. I was full of hesitation. How on earth someone wants to teach that rare type of yoga for free? In my thought, it must be for the first trial and to attract customers. With my stupid hesitation, I came and tried to join. Although it was only for trial, I want to try. My willing to get better is greater than my hesitation.
So here I am after two meetings. My instructor conviced me that I can get lessen my degree in intensive training for months. Yoga works slowly but sure. I found it help to deal with my pain and keep my posture well. The instructor is very kind and supportive. It is really free. I was like stupid asking everyone whether it is really true. The fact is just there is still a sincere person who wants to help people. I found myself dumb in a moment. What the hell I thought everyone has something in their sleeves. There might be a lot of that kind of people in this cruel world but once again, I forget that we still have many sincere people.
Therefore, before I reach my schedule to have consultation, I will do this yoga as best as I can. I just feel like God shows me this path. I want to do what is in front of my eyes. Everything is unpredictable. Something great might be waiting for me. I still believe in miracles. Miracles do happen, don't they?
-115-degree scolioser-
Selasa, 05 April 2016
The Bright People
Okay okay. I will try my best to stop bubbling about my voluntary stuff. I'm just too excited about it.
Another week passed and I've got a chance to do worship service. Well, it was not very surprising since I got task to take care of kids with the same age of my students. Singing, reading, having lunch and joking with them were really fun. They are so sweet and it is very cute to see they perform on stage. We, the adults are also preparing a performance to welcome some friends from foreign country. I might not a good perfomer, even my voice really sounds bad, but I just want to give my best and pour all my heart in it.
Meanwhile, the more I get into this voluntary world, I meet many bright people. It is absolutely true that everyone has something precious to teach you. There are many people with sad story in their past and they can deal it well. Sometimes we are just busy with our problems and think that our problem is the worst. I feel the positive energy flowing in my body. I have more guts to face the world. When I hesitate, I head up and I can smile in relief. It feels like once again, I found what I want to do. I found something that can fill up the hole in my soul. All this time, I was too busy with "how to earn money as much as possible" and my scoliosis stuff. I do not like stuck in routinity. It's a relief I can do the job I love to do. Morever, I'm blessed to have chances to increase my standard of giving. I am really grateful.
Minggu, 27 Maret 2016
Another 'First Time'
Hola Darla !
Guess what happened last Sunday?! It was my first time taking part in voluntary jobs since I graduated from senior high school ! I am really excited. I have been longing to do this so long long long ago. I'm glad I can make it finally. I have registered myself officially as volunteer at a social community in my town and unofficially at another informal community. I stop teaching on Sunday so I have more free time to volunteer. Since I am still new, my task might not be really complicated. Some people wonder why I want to do this so badly. It's hard to explain, but I get a bunch of happiness and satisfaction everytime I volunteer.
I have the mindset that giving is not only about money. I want give as much as I can. For I am not a very wealthy person, I can give much support, much energy and much time. I believe that there is something more important to give rather than money. Let the wealthy do their part and I do my part. Oh, my Mom once worried me about volunteering since she thought of my scoliosis. I might have physical limitation, but I don't limit myself. I take a rest whenever I'm tired and take a proper rest or sleep when I come home. So far, no significant problem and I can do it as how non-scoliosis does. ^^
Ah, this is noteworthy. Beside I obtain happiness and satisfaction, I also learn to enhance myself. Not all volunteers are angels. We are all human that are still learning to be a better person. I realize that I am basically a selfish person. I was once placed at the main gate to greet visitors. We greets people by bowing and smiling. It looked easy, but not until you do it yourself. LOL. We have to start approaching people and offers help. It might seem invisible, but it really cut the 'selfish' me little by little. It also helps me to erase a little part of the 'awkward' me. I kept smiling for more than half day and when I reached home, I still kept smiling like a stupid until my mother called me a crazy. ^^"
Well, it is wonderful experience and I wait for another wonderful things. Thank you God for the great opportunities.
Sabtu, 05 Maret 2016
The Thick Blood
Blood is thicker than water.
Uncle is not feeling really well. He experienced constant pain. Few days ago, uncle found that he has a tumor. Surgery needs to be done in order to prevent the development of the tumor. Uncle is mom's elder brother. When Mom knows about it, Mom suggests him to do the surgery immediately. On the other day, Mom found out that auntie (mom's elder sister) had been diagnosed having a tumor but it is still not certain. She needs to do further checking. Mom seemed cool and tell her siblings to have immediate treatment or anything necessary.
Uncle lives in Binjai and Auntie lives in Jakarta. We live in separated cities. Since Binjai is not really far from Medan, we still can visit Uncle during Chinese New Year or any other occassions. Auntie seldom comes back to Medan and she just can keep in touch with Mom via telephone. Mom is not the type to express her feeling bluntly. She does worry, but still acts cool. Her eyes held tears when told a family member about this.
Then today, Mom gave them a call. Auntie has done thorough checking and doctor said that she is okay. She even does a short travelling after those checking. Uncle has done the surgery in Penang, but his condition is still not really good. He experiences hemorrhage and it continues after surgery. It makes him worries so much. Uncle is a very strict man. On the phone, he told mom about his current condition and burst in tears. He couldn't continue the conversation and hung up the phone. Mom couldn't stop her tears when she heard uncle's trembling voice. Uncle then sent a message that Mom may not worry about him. He told mom that he is sad, he had a dream about meeting passed-away grandma and auntie. He kept calling them but neither of them answered him. Mom asked me to reply the message, to tell uncle to keep strong, to have no worry, and tell him everything is gonna be alright. Mom burst in tears and kept crying for the rest of day.
Well, that is really heartbreaking. I am not really close to uncle or auntie. From my point of view, Mom has not been really close with uncle or auntie, too. Adults are adults. They don't express their feeling really well. Even sometimes they fight over something that I think ridiculous. However, hard times reveal people who care about you. Despite of Mom's roles as a mother, she has been a sister, a little girl that ever played and fight with her parents and siblings. Now she grows up as an adult and as a mother, takes care of us. She has lost parents and some of her siblings. She is still a sister that is scared to lose her siblings.
After once lost my father, I exactly know how it feels to lose our beloved. I'm not that "daddy's little girl" type, but he is my daddy and his absence left a big hole inside me. Although daddy is not perfect, I just hope that he was still present, that I could give him a call, listen to his silly jokes, or be mad to him, as long as he existed. I cannot imagine what Mom has been through this long. Reaching this age, she has experienced many loss of beloved. You have no idea how big the hole inside her. She must be that scared to lose more of her beloved ones.
No one knows what God's plan is. Everything is so unpredictable. People come and go. As long as you have time to express your love, love to the fullest and express it.
Jumat, 12 Februari 2016
Nurture
What's up, Darla? It's been a while.
As time flies, I am fully aware that I really enjoy my job as a teacher. Recently, most of my students are toddlers. Some of them are even facing the stage to learn how to hold pencil. It's kinda new experience for me, yet it's also a challenge for me at the other side. Everyone has their first time. It goes same for me and the kids. On every first meeting, the kids might yell or reject me. That's the matter. I don't like being rejected. It is always freaking awkward situation. Ha-ha. That's not me if I just give up and get frustrated over something like that. I did some observation what the kids like and tried to associate their favorite things with me. Eventually, everything goes smoothly for the next meetings. The kids, who yelled and rejected you, will smile and hold your hands when you come. Oh My God, they are really lovely.
Well, kids are kids. You don't expect they will be sweet all the time, do you? There are times they get a little bit annoying and out of control. So far, I have no big deal with it and I like how I feel after class finishes. I feel satisfaction. I feel glad that I choose what I love to do. Beside, I feel that I can express my nurture side by teaching. Being a teacher makes me understand more and more how my mother struggles all the time. It allows me to appreciate my mother more and more day by day. Moreover, kids teach me how to look at the world in a simple way. They teach me how to smile and laugh for a simple reason. You know, adults find few reasons to smile nowadays.
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