The 'WHY'

Sorry Darla for all my random thoughts. This night owl cannot stop thinking during night. Please just bear a bit. I think this is not going to be long.

I remember of a simulation I joined last time. There was a big question given to us. The point is, only one of me or my mother or my sister can survive so we got to choose. As you know (my bad habit), I often think from any perspectives. It helps and confuses me at the same time. I bet my first answer would be to let my mother survive and so would my sister's answer. How could I survive while I had to sacrifice my beloved ones. My physical body might stay alive but not my mental. My beloved ones are the only reason I keep alive until today. My reason why I want to be success, why I want to heal my scoliosis, and my other 'why'(s) are all about my beloved. I might not be able to live if I lost every one of them. Moreover, my mother is like the core of my 'why'. It will be better for me to die rather than seeing my mother dying and losing her. That's my perspective.

Then how about my mother. My mother is a single parent. Even she never says her feelings bluntly, I don't know since when I realize that we (her daughters) are the reason why she wants to survive. She gave up on everything she wants just to take care of us. Mom was once a very fashionable girl and liked to travel anywhere. After living separately with Dad, she did lose hope and thought that she was not supposed to marry. She once tried to suicide. I was so small that time and didn't understand it deeply. What I know was just Mom kept crying silently. Although I have difficulty since I was young, when Mom asked me to go to bed, I would listen and pretend to sleep. After finished her work, she came into the room and kissed our foreheads. When I grow up, I realize that Mom was pulling herself together that time. She has lessen her make-up things and seldom sew new clothes for herself. All she sews are for her daughters. She stops hanging out with her friends to take care of us. She stops buying many shoes to buy us new shoes although she really liked to collect shoes. She always lies that she doesn't like to eat meat just to let us eat more. She always says that she is strong although she is not. She throws away all her happiness just to provide us a good life. To bear all of those alone, it must be very hard. Mom would lose her hope if she lost us.

After taking my mom's perspective, I realize that everyone is trapped by fear of losing. We cannot face the losing of the ones we love because it is really hard thing to do. To say "just let me die first before you die" is a selfish thing to say. If we cannot bear the losing, do you think the one we love will be able to bear it? You only care that you will not end up feeling the loss but the survived one is actually left with emptiness and regrets. Love of parents to their children is greater than what we can imagine.

I do not want to lose my mom and so does her. If I am her reason to stay alive, what I know is I have to live happily and healthily. That's how to make her happy. Do you get it? It's like my happiness grows thousand times when I see my mother smiles. So I have to be happy. Then my mother's happiness can be multiplied thousand times. Let's make each other happy and live happily now because you may be someone's "WHY".