A Full Heart

I was teaching, checking my students' work.

A student was writing.

Then he mumbled randomly, "Thank you, Miss Fera. Because of you, I enjoy my study time."

The other students suddenly said "Yes, Ms! Me too!"

I stopped my checking.

My heart melted.

Thank you for making me a teacher.

Being a teacher was never in my dream.

Now I find myself doing what I love. 

Thank you God for pointing this spot for me.

A Personal Space

Reaching this age, I hold no more obsession of "knowing everything" in my circles. 
We can be close friends without you telling me 100% of your lives. 
You have the right to tell me what you are ready to tell.
You have the right to keep what you want to keep for yourselves.
I might be curious at some times but I appreciate what is called "a personal space".

Some people love companions throughout the journey, and so do I.
However, the introvert, like me, requires a personal space at times.
Too many companionships exhaust me.
Some might misunderstand me as being hostile, or not appreciating their concerns.

To tell you the truth, I appreciate all the love, yet my mental also needs a break and a space where I can be with myself only.
I need to be in my shell to recharge my energy.
Then after some time, I will be able to go out and face the world again.

I guess everyone can have different personality and perspectives.
I also cannot force anyone to have the same perspective.
I just want to treat my circles in this way.
Appreciating just how open they are.
I might not know the latest news of you, but I am ready to listen whenever you are ready.

Credits to Essencia Air on Pinterest

What Does 'Rainy Days' Mean to You?

Back then when I was younger, I did not understand when my friend said that they liked the smell of the rain. I did not understand the ‘dance in the rain’ quotes. As I remembered most bad things mostly happened on rainy days, I wondered why.

I was in a rush, then rain came to slow me down. Things ran out of plan, on a rainy day. I ran out of money, then heavy rain came. Not to mention the soaked in rain, splashed by the high-speed car. Yea, I associated heavy rain with bad things. That’s why I had bad feelings when it suddenly rains, especially if it rains heavily. I worried that something bad would happen.

This year, I notice something. There is a change in me. Heavy rain no longer scares me. Rain now gives me a brand new perspective. It feels cold physically, yet warm inside my heart. I don’t have any idea when this change starts. However, I love it. I love to notice a good change in me. The old me might signify the bad memories more than the good memories. The adult me now cherishes more good memories with rain instead of signifying the bad ones. I can’t avoid any bad fate, but my heart now chooses to capture the good memories with the rain. The happiness blueprint is now stronger and it replaces my previous association.

I still can’t get the smell of the rain. I like to play in water but not in rain. I simply love this feeling of rain. Rain brings a lot of warmth to my heart. 

How about you? 

What does 'rainy days' mean to you?

Credits to Kiyary on Pinterest

Upside Down

It started on 8th April 2021. One of my closest ones got sick. My world was upside down. My heart broke to pieces. Watching the person I love so much turned from a strong figure to a powerless patient. I tried so hard to look strong in front of everyone. Reassuring myself and everyone around that everything will be better. Figuring out every possible solution for my dearest. There were times I broke down at the toilet by myself to the point my hands shook uncontrollably. Wiping out my eyes before I went out from the toilet door. It was not easy. I wish I could be simply vulnerable without holding on.

I decided to be open to my circles and I could not hold the tears for accepting so much kindness and love. Restless nights and mental break down were paid off. My dearest recovers by the time goes. Recovery is still progressing but days are now brighter. I can't be more grateful than this. Everything is enough. My loved ones are healthy. I will not ask for anything else. I have everything with me and I am ready to continue embracing this life.

December: Reaching the End of 2020

December is a happy month for me. I celebrate my mom's birthday, National Mother's Day, some of my friends' birthdays, and one of my closest friend's wedding. Also, I have my Christmas holiday! Oh yay, that is the most exciting part!

It's been a while I did not post any documentation here. While we are reaching 2020, I want to close this 2020 with some documentations. On mom's birthday, we did have a simple celebration. Not a fancy cake, just a traditional cake that she loves. We celebrated before dinner and I rushed to continue tutoring again. Haha. Some photos of years ago appeared on my IG archive and my Google Photos. I love to see how mom ages beautifully. She remains beautiful no matter how many kg she lost and gained. I am grateful that she is still healthy until now. I cannot lie that she does face some degeneration issues. However, she manages live actively and still can do what she likes and wants. I am truly grateful for shat. I did request for Chinese characters for her birthday cake, but the bakery was not able to do it. Mom is fond of Chinese characters but English is not that bad too. She can understand some simple phrases. We had a family photo on the dining table. Our dining table is indeed small, but I always love it. All the unnecessary and deep conversation happened there and it will be always a sentimental furniture for me. On the wall, we have my sister's embroidery hoops. She works on them with her own hands. They are beautiful, aren't they? This year, we can't visit restaurants or hang out at public sites. Mom also agreed not to dine-in at any restaurants as we are still facing this pandemic. We had mom's homecook. Nothing is so special but everything is as warm as it is. We are still together, healthy and safe. That's more important than anything

Ah, now I remember why I rarely post any photos here. Since there were so many scams using someone else's pictures, I was quite anxious to post photos here. Even I lock my Instagram to private because there was a time when some accounts with inappropriate contents kept following my account. It was a bit scary for me. I think I will just post some not-so-confidential photos here. I mean, the non-living things. Haha. What a weird me.

Then, on the last working days in 2020, I am grateful that God pointed this environment for me. A warm place like a second home. We did not have potluck like previous year's tradition, but we did have a warm closing. Our superior bought some cakes to cheer with us. My dear colleague, Beau, shared her beautiful hand-drawn bookmark and cookies with us. Maggie, Laoshi and I shared some super delicious food. I was beyond blessed to meet a lot of kind colleagues here. I literally have a pleasant break.

Christmas tree with handmade decorations from students and parents

Handmade cookies and bookmark by Biu Biu

Sweet gesture from our superior

On 21st Dec, we celebrated Winter Solstice. We almost missed it because Mom thought it was on 22nd Dec. A neighbour shared us blue and purple food colouring. Thank you, auntie! The colours were beautiful! We never used blue before. Ah, we did. I think last year we used blue pea, but we only had little blue pea flowers so the colour was not that vibrant. 

The yellow is from Nutri Sari!

Some trial errors for colour mixing

Kyaaa ! I love the vibrant colours!

Mom used to boil Gula Melaka with ginger but this year, we use the white sugar because we want to see the vibrant colours. The taste was not as good as Gula Melaka, but we still love it! I shared some with Laoshi a day before she headed back to her hometown.

Overall, I really enjoy this December despite all the Covid-19 issues. I hope everyone remains safe and healthy while we are moving to 2021. I'm super duper ready for 2021 !!!

Warm and Full

 

Credit to iDibujos on Pinterest.

It was raining heavily outside.
Thunder was heard several times.
The cold wind blew from the windows.
I was preparing for my online tutoring session.

I went to the kitchen to grab some water and passed the bedroom.
The door was open.
I saw my mother and my sister having a nap,
covered by blanket.
I did not have any idea.
Simple view like that could give me much peace.
My heart was immediately full.

The wind did not feel cold anymore but warm.
I am grateful that my family is healthy.
I am grateful that they are here with me.
I am grateful that I still can spend time with them.
These happiness and gratitude are irreplaceable.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

Life After Surgery: 4 years post-op

4 years.

I am always this melancholic when it is 24^th August. It is like my second birthday when I was given another chance to live, another chance to cherish. How are you doing, Darla? A lot of things happened in 4 years. I always update my life annually for many post-op situation. Can you imagine if one day when I am old, I will read the compilation of my pre & post-op stories. It will be amazing to look back at the journey.

My physical condition is so far so good, like how I described it in my 3 years post-op entry. I still do my back exercise regularly. One thing I currently can’t do is only swimming, due to the Covid-19……….. *crying inside* I miss swimming so muchh…. Talking about Covid-19, I had WFH (Working From Home) for several months. During the first three months of WFH, it was challenging because I sat in front of the laptop for more than 17 hours. I experienced shoulder pain several times because of passivity. It was hard to set boundaries for the working hours during WFH. Now that I’m working from office, everything is normal. My working hours and workload are normal again and I have no physical issue. Ah ya, for long sitting hours at home, I always have a waist support at my chair. I have had it since I had the surgery. It is useful to support my waist and back so that I rarely have lower back pain if I have to sit for long. Either you have back issue or not, I’m pretty sure it is useful for anyone who sits most of the day. It is easily purchased from the e-commerce or any houseware store.

Recently, I have email correspondence with a scoliosis patient’s parent. I’m always glad if my blog can be fruitful to anyone who is looking for information about scoliosis. Thanks to the internet, information is now more accessible. Before I had my surgery, I gained a lot of information from the other patients’ blogs and correspondence. I join several scoliosis community on social media. One of the most active community is Indonesia Scoliosis Community. The members are not only patients but also the parents. They actively share information about scoliosis, the treatment or any doctor recommendation. I am forever grateful to those who helped me during my hard times. Having adequate information helps patients and guardians a lot in preparing their mental before the surgery. The storm in the mind can’t be avoided. Our mind goes wild when the word “surgery” comes. Social support really matters. I feel so honoured when I have a chance to be part of a patient’s social support.

Next year is supposed to be my another follow up appointment with Prof. Kwan but I think it will be postponed due to the Covid-19. It does not really matter since it is not an urgent appointment and I am still doing well. In every follow up, I will have an X-Ray and Prof. Kwan will examine my back. I did well on my last follow up and Prof. Kwan gave me a statement letter of which sections of my spine can receive anesthesia if I give birth. Prof. Kwan said, “Just in case, in the next three years, you might have come with your baby, I provide this letter.” I could not stop laughing. Here I come, still keeping the statement letter well. Lol.

Well, those paragraphs sum up my mind for this 4 years post-op celebration. Happy anniversary, my dear titaniums! I’m glad that you exist and help me to stop my curve from progressing. I’m glad that God let me met Prof. Kwan and his team four years ago. I’m grateful to meet a lot of kind people in my life. 

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.