Little Things

Heyho Darla!

How's life? I have some thoughts these days. My body was exhausted yet my mind cannot stay calm. There were several things which made me upset and it drained my energy. I had a long self-talk and managed to make peace with myself.

I was on my way back to home after a long day. I still frowned my face due to the uncontrolled feeling. It was a nice evening. I looked up to the sky and suddenly was amazed how beautiful the evening sky was. The sunset, the cloud, the sky line, everything was perfect. I was instantly in good mood just in seconds. I enjoyed the short trip to home. I apologize to God for being ungrateful for a moment.

I started to gather little things that make me happy. I love going home and find out my family to share what I've gone through the day, either bad and good one. I am grateful for every call that my friends made. I am grateful to be able to go to morning market with my mother, talking about what we should cook for the week. I am grateful for the chances to keep learning things I like. I am grateful for the convenience since we have online transportation. I am grateful that I get to meet my cute students everyday and make jokes with them.

See? There are so many things for me to be grateful. I learn to value the little things and stay present. Also, Darla. This 24th Aug will be my 3 years post-op. What do you think? Should we have my "Life After Surgery" post? Uhmm, I am excited!

Technology

Hi Darla. I’m enjoying my long holiday. Of course I choose to spend my time mostly at home. Although the reality, I often go out with my friends too. I really enjoy every time I spend. Going to cinema on weekday feels so privileged to me. Shopping on traditional market with mommy on weekday morning gives me a great refreshing. In the evening, I binge-watch my favorite Korean drama. So after several days, I realize something. 

I watched my drama on my phone, on my bed. My sister watched her favorite anime on the laptop. My mother watched her favorite show on the TV. We still talked to each other. However, it hit me hard when I stopped for a while and saw that situation. Thanks to technology, we do not need to fight over a TV to watch our favorite show, but I missed the old days. We used to watch everything just from a TV. We could fight over a TV just to take turn to watch our favorite show. When mom’s show was on ads, we would run to our favorite channel. Sometimes I even missed some parts. The good thing is, we always talked the same thing. I did not like Mom’s show but I know what the show was about. Mom did not like my movie either, but she also watched and gave her comment. It was so nice.

There were days I encouraged Mom to watch Korean drama together on laptop. She likes to watch drama too. She does not like to watch on laptop. She refused as the laptop’s view was too small for her. She did not like sitting for one hour too. Watching on TV allowed us to move around and still work during ads. My sister and I used to watch K-Drama together on phone. We waited for each other to have spare time and watched. As we got busier with our work, we decided to watch on our own.

Of course I am grateful that we have technology which helped our daily life in a great way. On the other hand, if we are not aware, we might be distant for our surrounding due to the technology. My house is just a small house. We still talked together about everything. It is impossible not to bump to each other. I told Mom about the drama I watched. She also always tells me about the show she likes. Mom is not really tech-friendly. I don’t want her to be alone or to feel left out. I never put on full volume during watching so that I still can hear when Mom needs me. I try my best to have quality time with my family. 

I sincerely hope that no family would not be distant due to the technology.

New Year Post

It's not too late for a new year post, right? I've been writing this post on my mind since the new year eve but I just got the urge to type it now.

Hello Darlaa. 2017 was a great year for me. It was like every day was brand new day. My first year with my titanium. My first year in new work environment, and many many other first time. I was so grateful for every decision I took and for every experience I had. I met a lot a lot a lot, really a lot of new people and they are really amazing. I thought I really learned a lot from them. Also, I am still surrounded by the people I love the most. I was able to spend another year with them and it was priceless. In 2017 too, I had another grief again. Our dearest uncle passed away on Christmas eve. It's a sudden and it was a big loss.

It was Christmas eve. You know, Darla? Late night call was never a good news. We got a call from my cousin that uncle was in ICU. We immediately head to the hospital. Uncle was not in good state. Seeing how uncle was powerless on the hospital bed, was really heartbreaking. We stayed at hospital for hours. Mom could not hold her tears. She kept whispering his name on his ears. At 10.45 p.m, doctor stated that uncle had gone. It was hard to accept it. Uncle was a Dad figure for me. He was really strict but always cared about us. He was not good in words. He chatted me once in a while telling how he felt and asked me how's my day. Before and after my spine surgery, he gave us a lot of support although he also had to undergo heart surgery. I still could not believe he had gone. I wish I could send message to him more often. I wish I visited him more often. It's always like that. We just know how much precious someone is after we lose them. It was exhausting to go Medan-Binjai everyday in a week yet we did not want to miss the chance to pay the last respect to him. We would not be able to see him again. Mom lost her brother.  No matter how she tried to smile while greeting all the old friends, she did cry a lot. I could not imagine how much grief Mom has had. Next year will be different without you, uncle. You will always stay in our heart.

Ah, not to mention. This year, I did not celebrate NYE by a feast or any party. This year was somehow different. I had a chance to take part in conducting a pre-teen class. It was very hectic to manage my time between work, family and this participation. The class was held on the NYE. We set some fun activities for the pre-teens and prepared some materials. During the preparation, I had a flashback to my pre-teen age. It was time when I was really immature. Reminded by some fool things I did, I felt like I wanted to crash my head to the wall. Fortunately, I managed to grow well. Thanks to my family and my friends who showered me with love. Also, thanks to God who never stops guiding my steps. Back to the topic, my friends and I was given chance to be host for some activities. I was really nervous. OMG, really nervous to the point you might not believe me. It's not like it was my first time to speak in public but I don't know why I always have that anxiety for public speaking. My heart would beat uncontrollably. That's why I really adore people who speak very well in public. Some of my friends said that they were nervous, too but they end up speaking very well. I rolled my eyes and asked myself why they were so amazing. We all learned a lot of lesson from this class. During the evaluation meeting, I realized how we really put our heart and effort into this. Thank you very much for the chance.

Here we are, in 2018. I do not know what is waiting ahead. Even just thinking about the future makes me nervous and excited at the same time. Life is too much of surprises. It is also another a new fresh start. During the holiday, I had the thought to do the things I've been longing to do. It was a dream I almost forgot. You know, Darla. I grew up in family which even survived every day was a struggle but through the ups and downs, I could understand the happiness beyond the materialistic things. The happiness we had, even without any luxuries, is really meaningful and deep. As I grow up, I focused on changing my life, education, working day and night, forgot the dream I've ever had once. I know my ability is still too far from "good" but it could not be a reason for me to stop. The chances of learning are always available. All I need to do is start. Oh my, my heart beats fast every time I think of this. 

Dear 2018, I'm ready.

I Thought

I thought I've been used to listened to harsh words.
I thought it would be not that painful anymore.
I thought I've been trained.
I thought I've learnt not to take other's words seriously.
I thought I've built a strong barrier for myself.

Yet...
It is not that easy.
As harsh words are harsh words.
I still got hurt to listen to them.
They still carved a scar inside me.
A deep scar.

Scoliosis Surgery Journey (Part 5)

27th August 2016 and my 2 weeks post-op 

I spent my post-op weeks at Calla Hotel. This low-budget hotel is located at SS2 area. It is small yet very comfy for me. There are a lot of food stalls and morning market right behind the hotel. Also, it is about 10 minutes away from UMSC so that I didn't take long on the way. It was not really comfortable to sit on the car after ops since I was sensitive to every bump. Prof. Kwan gave me some painkillers as I was going to experience pain during my discharge. Yes, I did. First, I thought that I would try my best not to consume the painkillers. However, I was wrong. With the pain, I wasn't able to be active. I would be sleeping all day, which was not good for my spine. I had to walk more. I have to admit that I did consume the painkillers. Before going to bed, I had to consume another painkiller again because I couldn't sleep due to the pain. I always have my mom to help me taking a bath and getting up from bed.

Ah ya, this 2 weeks post-op had a challenge. I had to defecate before my 2 weeks post-op consultation or not I had to use the medicine to help me. It was frustrating. I really don't like that medicine. I did drink a lot and eat a lot of fruit. It was somehow funny because it was the first time in my life I felt so suffocating just for defecating. I really put all effort and took it as challenge. Lol. Right 2 days before the consultation, I succeed. Phew~  

During my stay at Calla, I only walked around the room any lobby. I only could walk for 15 minutes the longest. I didn't give myself pressure. I walked around until I was tired and then went back to my bed. I tried my best not to lie down for long since I had gastric problem. So I entertained myself with sitting upright and watching K-Drama. The WiFi at Calla was good enough to stream online. It helped me to stay awake rather than lie down on bed. Thanks to my mom who always keep me accompanied. She kept buying food for me as she was afraid to see me getting thinner ^^'. I was 44kg after the ops. I looked taller and thinner at the same time. Thin, or maybe skeletal. About clothes, I only wore my pajamas the whole week. Near the Calla, you would find laundry. Calla's staff helped us to take care the laundry. 

On 2nd Sept, we went back to hospital to have that 2 weeks post-op follow up. Prof. Kwan and Prof. Chris changed my bandage. They checked my scar and thankfully it was good. They allowed us to go back to Medan. I was told what to do at home. No food restriction. No more medicine except the leftover painkillers and blood supplement. I was very happy. Saying good bye to Prof(s) and Ci Shierly. The next day, we had our flight to Medan. I requested wheelchair service for me. The wheelchair service is only available one hour before the flight so we have to wait at the lobby until that. Waiting at airport was not as painful as I thought. It was only a bit uncomfortable.

My sister fetched me at Medan airport and teased me for my skeletal look. It took about 1 hour to reach my home. Yes it was uncomfortable to have long ride but there was no significant pain. The first thing I found after arrived home was my bed. Ohmygod, how I missed my own room. How I missed the breeze of the fan T.T All you had in KL was air conditioner and it was very cold. As my sister helped me to change clothes and lie on my bed, I was beyond happy to cuddle on my bed. Home sweet home.

2 months post-op

It was nice to be home. I felt guilty being passive at home. I didn't feel bored at all since I have been always the girl who enjoys time at home. I was not lonely because Mom was always there for me. No matter how busy she was, she was there. My friends and family visited me and they brought me food. Yes, that was the best thing. Food. Hahaha. Just kidding. It was nice to see them after a while. Telling them my pre-ops surgery experience. My sleeping schedule was not regular. I only could sleep for 2-3 hours for the first month. It might be due to my passivity. One month after, I could sleep for 4-5 hours. I often woke up at midnight and felt hungry. I have to admit that I ate a lot once I was home. I even could not count how many times I ate a day. When I was awake at midnight, I would walk around my house while listening to music. Whenever Mom saw me awake, she would ask me whether I was hungry. Haha. I wonder if I looked like starving ghost. Her pale thin daughter walking around the house.

A few weeks post-op, I joined my mom to buy groceries in the morning at our neighborhood market. It was very nice to meet and greet my neighbors. They were also happy to see the new me. Asking me and Mom about how the surgery went. It was funny how everytime we stopped at one store, the sellers would ask and we had to spend minimum 15 minutes to retell the story. Our 30-minutes-at-market plan turned to be 1 hour due to the chit chat. Lol. Mom complained that she regretted bringing me to the market as she was tired to retell the story many times. She said that she was tired but she always answered more than what she was asked. ^^'  

After that market, I never went out any more. I was not allowed to walk on stairs so often. If I did have to walk on stairs, I had to maintain my back straight.  I even couldn't pick up things on the floor by myself. Whether I used my legs or I asked for help. Sneezing and coughing still gave me pain. I only could carry things not more than 3 kg. Do not slip down, do not bend and twist, do not sweat, and so on. There were a lot of rules during my 2 months post-op. I didn't step out from my house for 2 months. After 2 months, I joined my Mom to supermarket for the first time. I was very happy. Seeing how things changed in my city. (Sorry I exaggerated, but I was just very very happy.)

Another 'First Time'

Dear Darla,

At this moment, I'm very nervous and excited. I encountered a lot of 'first time' recently and am going to encounter another 'first time' again. I held back a lot when I hadn't had my surgery. Now, the fog has lifted. Everything is new. There are many chances to try and take. I am so much happy. Too happy to the nervous point. Should I take the chance? Can I do it? Will I nail it? I don't know where it will takes. Somehow, I want to give it a try. See the world I never see. Do things I've been longing to do. Even if I fail at the end, I don't wanna have a regret just wandering at the same point.

Scoliosis Surgery Journey (Part 4)

24th August 2016

My surgery took 3h 15 min. After surgery was done, I was taken to OT room (please note that it is not ICU). About 1h afterwards, I could hear Prof. Shanaz's voice calling my name, "Fera, Fera, are you okay?". I opened my eyes and saw Prof. Shanaz. I couldn't see very clearly since it was too bright. I laughed as I opened my eyes. "Oh, I'm still alive," I thought. I answered Prof. Shanaz with "Hm hm" and fell asleep again. I could hear Prof. Shanaz laughed and said "She still can laugh?" 

When I was half awake, I realized that I was in my room and it was about 6 p.m. I could hear Prof. Kwan and Mom were talking. Prof. Kwan gave Mom a briefing what to do that day and the day after. Mom was told to turn off the light and let me sleep because I need sleep to recover. I was not allowed to drink. If I wanted to drink, I was only allowed to drink only two teaspoons of water. I eavesdropped until that sentence and fell asleep again. In the half awake state, I heard a nurse put a button on my hand, telling me it was PCA button. Whenever I felt pain, I could press it. She also put an emergency button to call the nurse right beside my pillow. I just "hm hm" and slept again.

I woke up at 10 pm. The room was dark and very cold. I could smell the hospital's antiseptic. I called my mom and told her I was thirsty. My mouth and my throat were very dry. Mom said that I was not allowed to drink and just gave me two teaspoons of water. I was like "Can I have some water again?" with my innocent face. Mom didn't listen to my question and asked me if I felt any pain. I did feel very stiff on my back and I felt the implants were holding every inch of spine strongly. I nodded my head. Mom reminded me to press the PCA whenever I felt pain. Also, Mom reminded me to do the leg exercise. I nodded my head, moved my leg as Sister Tang taught me before, and slept again. I woke up the next 15 minutes again and asked for water again. It repeated for every 15 minutes. I'm so sorry, Mom. She sure had trouble in sleeping because of me. Finally at 2 am, I could sleep without troubling Mom. I tried my best to hold the thirst. I quietly pressed the PCA when I couldn't endure the pain.

25th August 2016

In the morning, the breakfast came. The nurses helped me to bath on bed and changed my hospital's gown. I was still not allowed to have breakfast so Mom was the one who finished the breakfast. ^^' Prof. Shanaz first came and checked me with his stethoscope. He asked what I felt. Oh, I recalled that I felt pain on my chest. Prof. Shanaz said it was normal. Other than that, no significant problems. Next, Prof. Kwan came. My catheter was pulled off. I did not feel any pain since I just pressed PCA before Prof. Kwan came. He asked me to get up. A nurse helped me to get up from my bed and sit on my bed. It was the first time I got up from my bed. I remember the feeling exactly. The pain was real. My spine felt like the UNO stacks that could fall apart anytime. I held the nurse hand strongly. Prof. Kwan took picture of my back and then asked me to stand up. The nurse helped me to walk and sit. All I did was just groaning. Mom was surprised how taller I got and kept talking. I was happy and surprised too, but the pain talked louder and I was too busy to hold the pain. Prof. Kwan told me that I could started drinking water little by little. I could drink a half glass of Milo. I should walk more to relax my nerve. I had to go to toilet since I did not have the catheter anymore. That's all.

After Prof. Kwan left, I continued my sleep again. I think I slept too much. Standing up for the first time really drained my energy. In the afternoon, I had some Milo and Mom helped me to go to toilet. It was my first time to pee without the catheter. They said it would hurt but it didn't. I walked around the room. It was still painful but then I could see clearly I got taller. I was very happy to see myself in the mirror. Wow wow wow! Where did the hump go? I was amazed and I adored myself for long at the mirror. I laid back again and I grabbed my phone. I sent messages to my friends since I hadn't given any news after surgery. My phone was 5.5 inch. It was my first time to hold my phone after surgery and it felt heavier than ever. I sent some messages telling them I survived. Not until 10 minutes, I gave up holding the phone. It was heavy and tiring.

At night, I could not sleep because it's hard to breathe. The nurse asked me to sit down for a while and inhale exhale. I just had a lot of gas in my stomach. In the middle of night, I vomit a lot. Really a lot. I could smell all the Milo I drank. Vomiting gave a lot of pain to my spine. It was really painful. I don't like vomiting. It felt like every segments of my spine were shaking. I was sorry for the nurse since they had to change all the covers. Mom helped me to the toilet to wash. Although they had changed the cover, I still could smell the vomit. I slept uncomfortably that night.

26th August 2016

Prof. Kwan, Prof. Chris and Ci Shierly came in the morning. They took off the PCA. I was then allowed to have meals. Prof. Kwan explained that I would be discharged the next day and listed things I should do. I had three kinds of painkiller and some medicine for itchiness and supplements. I was asked to stand up and Prof. Kwan took picture of my back again. Prof. Kwan told me that he would send  me the photos. He also showed me my X-Ray. I was 125 degree pre-op and 64 degree post-op. I had weight and height measurement again. I was 44 kg and 156 cm post-op. I lost 1 kg and gained 6 cm taller. I was told to come back to hospital the next week.

I spent the day by checking phones, walking some, and sleep more. In the afternoon, ci Susan visited and brought lunch for Mom and juice for me. Sister Tang came with her polaroid, taking picture of us to put on the wall of fame. I wrote a short grateful message there. Ci Susan and Mom discussed about the hotel we would go after discharged and I slowly fell asleep again.

27th August 2016

Mom went to the 10th floor to take care of the bill. The nurse helped me to remove the needles on my hand. I looked around my room and the ward. I don't like hospital and the smell but somehow I want to capture the memory in my mind as my life changed at that hospital. Ci Susan fetched us and took us to the hotel. See you, Mawar Ward.