Another Random Post

Dear Darlaa,

Okay. Here I am. Still with my in.som.nia.

I try to find any activities that make my body tired to fall asleep earlier. But it is just in vain. No matter how much tired I am, my mind keeps being busy and my eyes don't want to close for a while. The next morning you will find me with my dark eyebags and in an idiot state in the morning. It's 1.42 am now and I have appointment with my lecturer tomorrow morning. Good job, Fera. You can ruin yourself.

Oh, come on. I don't want to discuss about that. 

To kill the time, I just want to share about some random things. To be honest, I was just too busy about myself. Forget to take a while and look my surroundings. It's not only me who is having hard time. The others are, too. I always say that everyone has a story. Sometimes I focus too much on my story and forget that the other stories. Okay, this is not about interfering someone's life. I like to listen to or read other's stories. They remind me that my life is not that difficult like what I think. 

For strangers or people who do not know me well, I will be so quiet. Yes, I mean it. QUIET. I only say one or two words, even the situation can get awkward. I'm a girl that people will not look twice at me. If they do, they are only curious with my scoliosis back. Sometimes I smile a lot, sometimes only poker face you can see from me. That is the moody part of me. In fact, I'm a scolioser who bites my own lips everytime the back pain comes. A scolioser who scares to die in surgery. A daughter who tries to earn much money for her family. A daughter who lies a lot to her mom so her mom will not worry much. A friend that hides many things. A friend who has sharp mouth but caring inside.A girl who always say "Yes, I can", "Okay, fine. I get used to it." with trembling legs.And so on...

In the other parts of the world, there might be another girl like me and other girls with their own stories. Sometimes I wish people could understand me fully. I'm not good at expressing my thought or my feeling. So, here I am with my busy mind written in my posts.

Insomnia

Recently I realize that my insomnia is getting worse. When other people in my home has been sleeping, it will be hard for me to sleep. I stay awake until 3 or 4 a.m by repeating to myself that "everything is okay. the others will awake soon." I don't have an idea since when it starts. But sure, I can feel that I can't function fully in my daily activities because of lack of sleep. So, I can't let this bad habit stay with me for too long.

Think of it, I try to find why this happens. Hm, since I am a psychology student, I think that I should be able to treat myself. Maybe it sounds crazy. I diagnosed myself -_- First, I try to find the reason it happens. I am anxious when other people fall asleep and leave me alone in my awake state. Why I feel anxious? I keep believing that I should take care of my home, my family. That makes me have to stay awake to stay aware. So I only have to wait until one of the others wake up and take turn to keep guard my family. I realize that I lost something. The secure feeling. I really mean it, secure, safety. 

I just need to make sure myself that my family will be safe. I lost a father's figure in my family. He was the only man in my family who I could rely on. After he passed away, I keep thinking that I should be able to take care of myself and my family. I should take his place. I should be strong. In fact, I never gonna be able to do that. His place has been a missing hole in my life. I miss him.