People

People come and go.

People change and some people don't.

Dear Darla,

There are many friends in our lives and some will be our closest. There is a high wall that I build but I do let a few of people step in through the front door up to certain point. I have been managing my circles well and I do not let myself hurt by anyone. No one holds that permission to hurt me. However, as we got closer, without I realized, I passed the key and let my guards down. It happened and I was immediately aware to take back my key and build the wall even higher than before. 

A line is clearly and boldly drawn. 

A lesson learned and I believe I just need some time to reflect.

Time will heal and the door will be open again,

when I am fully ready yet wiser. 

Stand tall, dear Fera. 

The Important Roles

 I am proudly an early childhood educator, or you can say, a preschool teacher. 

In my big family where no one has ever taken this job, my profession is often belittled. 

I do not really mind since I do not live in other words. 

I am content with what I do. I put all my heart into it. 

How rewarding it is, it's only me who can feel it. Yes, so I do not have any obligation to prove them wrong. They also do not have any obligation to understand my shoes. 

Let them be them. Let me be me. I just need to learn any negative comments maturely. 

I remember back then when I was a primary teacher, I encouraged my students to make a mini book. They wrote all the occupation they wanted to be when they grow up. They drew it in their cute version and learned many occupational vocabulary. My goal was originally only for them to learn vocabulary. That's all. However, they were the one who taught me a lot of things. I smiled while going through their mini books. Some of them mentioned astronaut, scientist, entrepreneur, teacher, but one of the most memorable occupation was the street cleaner. It was interesting, because we did not mention this occupation. I asked the boy, "Why do you choose this occupation?" He was only about 7 to 8 years old that time.

"Ah yes, Ms. I want to be a street cleaner. Because of them, our street is clean and they are very helpful", said the boy with a grin on his face. 

Hm. He was right. It sounds simple but it changes my whole perspective. I laughed when he stated a street cleaner as his dream occupation. Then I realized, I was like the others, belittled other's occupation. I started to see everything in a new light. Whatever someone does, no matter how much their payment, they play very important roles in our lives.

Our cleaning staff at school who help cleaning the building. 

The auntie who sells breakfast at the market to ease our morning rush. 

The online taxi driver who helps my commute every single day. 

The waiter at the restaurant who serves us and makes our celebration more meaningful. 

So many other occupations were very helpful and I met many of them who do their work wholeheartedly.

Since then, I learn a lot. I pay attention to everyone's talent. Each occupation needs different skills and I appreciate them more than ever. I am grateful that I had this turning point in my life to change my perspective. I am beyond grateful to every single person who has played important roles to run this world. Thank you my dear students. With them, I always discover new sight and learn many things. 

Nine Years

17th April 2013.

The day my father left.

It has been 9 nine years. It is not a short time. For sure, I have passed all the stages of grief. However, these past few days, I miss him so much. I do not have many photos with/ of him during my teenager years. I only have some photos of him when I was a little kid, when everything was fine. I am a bit afraid, that the memories of him will fade. My heart tries its best to hold onto those memories. 

How I wish that I could talk to him again. It has been 9 years, Pa. 

How do you do?

Do you still remember us?

If we see each other again, will you be proud of me?

I've grown a lot.  

I always miss our late night ride.

There was a time I was hungry at late night. I called him and he brought me on a ride on his motorcycle to buy fried rice at a stall. As a kid, I was very happy and I enjoyed that ride. The night wind was cool, blowing all my hair. I hugged my father tightly. We bought the fried rice and we enjoyed it together with my family. That fried rice was the best fried rice I have ever had. It was warm and it tasted very good. No matter how many times I went to that stall to buy the fried rice. It never tastes the same anymore and I stop going there. That stall is located at the heart of the city. I often pass and saw it. This memory will always come whenever I see that stall. This is a beautiful memory I will always cherish in my heart.

Dear Pa, if we meet again one day, what do you think will be our first topic?

I hope one day we'll meet again and laugh together like the good old days. 

I will get over this week. I will be back to my usual self soon.

There will be days like this again when I miss you more than usual.

However, you know, you are always in my heart.

With love,

Fera

A Full Heart

I was teaching, checking my students' work.

A student was writing.

Then he mumbled randomly, "Thank you, Miss Fera. Because of you, I enjoy my study time."

The other students suddenly said "Yes, Ms! Me too!"

I stopped my checking.

My heart melted.

Thank you for making me a teacher.

Being a teacher was never in my dream.

Now I find myself doing what I love. 

Thank you God for pointing this spot for me.

A Personal Space

Reaching this age, I hold no more obsession of "knowing everything" in my circles. 
We can be close friends without you telling me 100% of your lives. 
You have the right to tell me what you are ready to tell.
You have the right to keep what you want to keep for yourselves.
I might be curious at some times but I appreciate what is called "a personal space".

Some people love companions throughout the journey, and so do I.
However, the introvert, like me, requires a personal space at times.
Too many companionships exhaust me.
Some might misunderstand me as being hostile, or not appreciating their concerns.

To tell you the truth, I appreciate all the love, yet my mental also needs a break and a space where I can be with myself only.
I need to be in my shell to recharge my energy.
Then after some time, I will be able to go out and face the world again.

I guess everyone can have different personality and perspectives.
I also cannot force anyone to have the same perspective.
I just want to treat my circles in this way.
Appreciating just how open they are.
I might not know the latest news of you, but I am ready to listen whenever you are ready.

Credits to Essencia Air on Pinterest

What Does 'Rainy Days' Mean to You?

Back then when I was younger, I did not understand when my friend said that they liked the smell of the rain. I did not understand the ‘dance in the rain’ quotes. As I remembered most bad things mostly happened on rainy days, I wondered why.

I was in a rush, then rain came to slow me down. Things ran out of plan, on a rainy day. I ran out of money, then heavy rain came. Not to mention the soaked in rain, splashed by the high-speed car. Yea, I associated heavy rain with bad things. That’s why I had bad feelings when it suddenly rains, especially if it rains heavily. I worried that something bad would happen.

This year, I notice something. There is a change in me. Heavy rain no longer scares me. Rain now gives me a brand new perspective. It feels cold physically, yet warm inside my heart. I don’t have any idea when this change starts. However, I love it. I love to notice a good change in me. The old me might signify the bad memories more than the good memories. The adult me now cherishes more good memories with rain instead of signifying the bad ones. I can’t avoid any bad fate, but my heart now chooses to capture the good memories with the rain. The happiness blueprint is now stronger and it replaces my previous association.

I still can’t get the smell of the rain. I like to play in water but not in rain. I simply love this feeling of rain. Rain brings a lot of warmth to my heart. 

How about you? 

What does 'rainy days' mean to you?

Credits to Kiyary on Pinterest

Upside Down

It started on 8th April 2021. One of my closest ones got sick. My world was upside down. My heart broke to pieces. Watching the person I love so much turned from a strong figure to a powerless patient. I tried so hard to look strong in front of everyone. Reassuring myself and everyone around that everything will be better. Figuring out every possible solution for my dearest. There were times I broke down at the toilet by myself to the point my hands shook uncontrollably. Wiping out my eyes before I went out from the toilet door. It was not easy. I wish I could be simply vulnerable without holding on.

I decided to be open to my circles and I could not hold the tears for accepting so much kindness and love. Restless nights and mental break down were paid off. My dearest recovers by the time goes. Recovery is still progressing but days are now brighter. I can't be more grateful than this. Everything is enough. My loved ones are healthy. I will not ask for anything else. I have everything with me and I am ready to continue embracing this life.