Sabtu, 21 Maret 2015

Insomnia

Recently I realize that my insomnia is getting worse. When other people in my home has been sleeping, it will be hard for me to sleep. I stay awake until 3 or 4 a.m by repeating to myself that "everything is okay. the others will awake soon." I don't have an idea since when it starts. But sure, I can feel that I can't function fully in my daily activities because of lack of sleep. So, I can't let this bad habit stay with me for too long.

Think of it, I try to find why this happens. Hm, since I am a psychology student, I think that I should be able to treat myself. Maybe it sounds crazy. I diagnosed myself -_- First, I try to find the reason it happens. I am anxious when other people fall asleep and leave me alone in my awake state. Why I feel anxious? I keep believing that I should take care of my home, my family. That makes me have to stay awake to stay aware. So I only have to wait until one of the others wake up and take turn to keep guard my family. I realize that I lost something. The secure feeling. I really mean it, secure, safety. 

I just need to make sure myself that my family will be safe. I lost a father's figure in my family. He was the only man in my family who I could rely on. After he passed away, I keep thinking that I should be able to take care of myself and my family. I should take his place. I should be strong. In fact, I never gonna be able to do that. His place has been a missing hole in my life. I miss him.

Jumat, 20 Februari 2015

Happy Chinese New Year 2015

Hey Darla \(^o^)/

It's Chinese New Year! Gong Xi Fat Choi everyone

 This year is such a blessing year. I feel sooooo sooo soooo extremely welcoming this new year. Approaching this CNY, I felt and learnt about the pleasure of giving and receiving. Receiving kindness from someone else is a really happiness. Then the happiness is so contagious and I always feel like want to share the happiness.

Mom had been kinda hectic before CNY. I got full time job before CNY. So, it's a little bit tired for us to prepare stuff for CNY. That's why I deal with back pain and kept posting about scoliosis. Haha. I realized that is my bad habit. I didn't tell anyone about the pain because I dont want to look weak. But I kept posting about scoliosis in my socmed, like instagram and bbm. Lol. But it's okay. I'm okay now! Ready for having fun in CNY. Yeay !

After being so busy on CNY eve, we were very tired. We decided not to go anywhere on the 1st day. We stayed at home welcoming guests and family. Mom needs a lot of rest. We took a rest (actually a nap) while there is no guest. Today is absolutely a nice day. We didn't miss the chance to take some pictures! Haha.

As usual, we always go to Binjai in every CNY. But in this CNY we will go there on the 2nd day, which is tomorrow. Yuhuuuu~ I'm always excited to go there to meet uncle aunt, my cousins, and my little nephews and nieces. Hehe of course I can't resist the food there. Oh ya, in my age, I dont care about red pockets anymore. Mom always says that we (I & my sister) are too old to receive red pockets. We can earn money by ourselves. Yeah even when people give me, I still take it and thank. Hahaha. But the meaning of red pockets for me has been different. When I was young, I saw red pockets as my additional pocket money. I would think what I wanted to buy. But now, olders say that red pocket is a way to share luck. I value more the togetherness with my family and the taste of homemade food. Chinese New Year is nothing without family. Although I have only a small family, being with them is a blessing.

I cut my bang! 

Red and electric blue <3

My lovely mom

Happiness is that smile. My mom's smile. =)

Sis and mom

Mommy is sooo beautiful, isnt it?

Our simple decorations for cookies jar

That's all for today! Happy CNY everyone!

Jumat, 30 Januari 2015

Kelas Remaja 2-4 Jan 2015

Dear Darlaa,

NB. This post is going to be long. Prepare your eyes if you are willing to read it =D


I don’t know since I have left my daily journal, a.k.a. my diary. I think I kinda miss it. So much unspoken things. Hm but in this post I don’t wanna tell anything sad. Still remember my post about “Kelas Remaja” one? On 2nd-4th January, I joined the class again. I like to join it very very much. To be honest, this is only my second time to join the event or the class. The class is held only for teenager, which means for 15-25 aged person. Yeah, I know I almost can’t be counted as teenager anymore. I am 22 now. LOL. But come on, just call me a teenager this time. Okay,I’m going to share my experience joining the class. A valuable experience.

The first day I arrived, I met Stasya, Mili and ci Ai Lie because we were in the same car. We got closer since the Mooncake festival. I am so happy to meet them again. I don’t care even our age is kinda far different.  I’m happy to make friends with them. Stasya is a very cheerful high school student with beautiful face. Mili is Stasya’s younger sister, who is very quiet, yet still a sweet girl. Ci Ai Lie is a mature woman who has very good attitude. You should know how lucky I am to know them.  Then I shared the same room with Ci Ai Lie, Catherine, and Dewi. I think they have known each other before. I felt like outsider at first. But as the time flies, I can adapt quite well. I was in the same group with my roommates, Felixianie, Selestine, Josi, and Ci Phei Fen.  Other new friends of course! So happy and nervous at the same time. Hihi. We might be a little awkward at first. But when we practiced our drama roles, we sure could laugh together and we got known each other’s craziness. LOL. Oh ya I also met Alsina again. My groupmate at the Mooncake Festival event. She is a sweet girl.

I forgot whether I have shared about Mooncake Festival event. We performed a drama and a vocal group.  I didn’t play a big role in drama since I was lack in some points. Hihi. That’s why I still could perform  in vocal group which we sang and did sign language. Hmm, to be honest I’m not good at singing at all. Even I did some mistakes in our perform. But it’s okay. I tried am I was very very very very happy. I tried to do my very best. My friends in vocal group are Alsina, whom I mentioned before, Catherine, Cindy, Yana, Yanti, and Yelita. My friends in drama are Ci Ai Lie, Stasya, Ai Chin, Cindy also, and the rest, boys’ name which I can’t remember. For telling you the truth, It’s hard to remember people’s name. Even  I forgot some of my friends’ name because of a long time we haven’t met. My bad.

Mooncake Festival
Mooncake Festival

Okay, back to the topic. So, I learned a lot again from the class. We did so many activities, not only listening to Dhammadesana, but also games, cooking class, watching movie, singing, etc. Yeah, sometimes I got bored while I was listening to Dhammadesana. I couldn’t deny it because I felt very very very very tired to sit for hours. My back felt pain a lot. But I tried my best to sit and listen, sometimes I went to restroom to stretch or use the break time to lay down on bed. I don’t want to be different from others. Yeah I did it! I finished the class without complaining any back pain \(^o^)/ Yeay!

Don’t ask me about the cooking class. I failed. Hahahha. My taste is very bad and I still wonder why I became the tester on that day. Our best cook is Ci Ai Lie. Because of my bad taste, I ruined her cooking. Hhahaha. It was very funny. In singing class? Just sing however I wanted and I could. Lol. In the watching movie session, we watched Nabi Nuh’s Ark movie. It is a good movie. After the movie, as usual, we were told to give our opinion. We were asked to discussed in group then sent someone to presentate the result. I was the representative of my group. During group discussion, I kept quiet a lot because my opinion is kinda sensitive and I thought maybe I would come out a little tear. So I would keep my opinion until I stood in front so I only had to say it one time. Do you know what is it about? The movie taught me that sometimes God might bring us to hard situations which we don’t understand why it should happen. We blame anyone, even sometimes ourselves about that. In fact, God is preparing a very good plan for us who can pass it well. In my case, it’s the closest case with my scoliosis. If you read my scoliosis post, during my high school, I had a hard situation. I even didn’t know who to blame about my scoliosis. All I know is only “I am a very weird girl like a monster. Nobody likes me. I am worthless”. As the time flies, I do understand why I am given this scoliosis. I was helped in some situations. When other people suffered because all they are same or normal, I was treated different because my back is different and they were afraid to hurt me. I was so amazed. Is this why God gave me this scoliosis? Although I kept being angry, God prepared good things to me. I can’t lie that some tears came out while I was speaking in front, about my scoliosis. It is a rare time. But I kept smiling till the end.

At the end of the class, as usual we were given chances to give testimonial. One by one stood in front and spoke. Until a boy came out. He has a different style. His hair is longer, not like for his age. He said he was salute for me to have courage speaking about my back. Nothing to lie, I was touched and some tears come out. He has an abnormal neckbone that he tried to hide it using his long hair. That’s the first time I know why he grows his hair. He said that he had tried so many ways to hide the abnormal neckbone.  But then he was surprised that I, who have abnormal spine, could speak about it in front of many people. I might not reply him directly at that time. But I write my reply here, in case if you read it boy.


To reach until this stage, It’s not easy. I have to pass my high school moment, where girls like from ugly ducklings  turned to swans and I still withdrawn myself from society, played in my safe circle. My worthless feeling was undescribable. If people just left me of made friends with me just because of some advantages, I would understand because I had nothing and it’s normal to leave me. I cried a lot to see my parents’ worrying me or fighting because of my back solution. I put much anger while trying a loose T-Shirt when other girls in my age were trying body-fit dress. It’s not easy at all. It takes time until I realize why I was born like this, what I should do in this situation. I tried my very best to keep positive and learned many inspirative books. You should embrace yourself while others can’t do it for you. My mind is mine so I have the power to control it. In this world, there are somethings you can’t change,  which in my case it’s my scoliosis. There are also somethings you can change, which it’s my mind and my behavior. I never choose to be born as scolioser, but I can choose to live positively and share inspiration to others. If I, who have bent spine, can do it, why can’t you? Everyone sure deserves the best. 

Photo of our group

Sabtu, 10 Januari 2015

Let's Grow Grow Grow

Hey, I thought that everything will be okay. But in facts, not everything will go smoothly. There is a time I feel very very very down and feel worthless. I know I am not an adaptive person. I need more time to accept and learn. It doesnt mean I can't. I just have to try.
 
Sometimes we are faced by hard situations to make us grow. People tend to judge, so do I, so does everyone. So that's nothing wrong by being judged. They make you grow. Even a flower can grow on rocky soil, I just have to keep growing, keep moving. I will build my own good soil to grow.
 
Yeah, Fera. Keep trying!!! *\(^o^)/*

Minggu, 31 Agustus 2014

Jika Bukan Kita, Siapa Lagi?



Setiap orang bisa saja jadi pemuda. Pemuda dalam arti usia muda, atau pun pemuda bisa jadi singkatan dari ‘PErnah MUDA’. Orang bilang kalau masa depan Indonesia berada di tangan generasi muda. So, it means that suka-suka para generasi muda dong ya mau melakukan apa? Memajukan, menghancurkan, tidak melakukan apa-apa, semua tergantung kita. Pilihan ada di tangan kita. Oke, menghancurkan mungkin terlalu ekstrim, siapa yang mau menghancurkan negrinya sendiri? Nah, bagaimana dengan memajukan? Mungkin memajukan Indonesia terdengar seperti hal yang muluk. Tapi kalau setiap orang berpikir begitu, maka Indonesia tidak akan pernah maju.  Tidak perlu memulai dari hal yang besar, banyak hal kecil di sekitar kita yang terabaikan dan ternyata bermanfaat bagi orang lain juga.

Mulai dari diri sendiri. Jika skala Indonesia terasa terlalu besar, maka mulailah dari diri sendiri. Kebiasaan kecil seperti tepat waktu dan buang sampah pada tempatnya bisa menjadi hal yang penting. Jepang terkenal dengan warganya yang selalu menghargai waktu. Kita mungkin tidak bisa mengubah kebiasaan seluruh warga Indonesia dalam waktu yang singkat. Dengan mulai dari diri sendiri, orang-orang terdekat kita akan mengikuti. Tidak harus sempurna untuk menjadi sebuah inspirasi, tapi mulailah dengan niat dan tindakan. Sulit, bukan berarti tidak mungkin. 

Tidak hanya dengan kebiasaan, kita juga bisa memulai dari “Siapa saya?” Bagi saya, saya adalah seorang penderita skoliosis (kelainan tulang belakang). Apa yang bisa saya lakukan sebagai seorang penderita skoliosis? Saya sadar bahwa pengetahuan masyarakat Indonesia mengenai skoliosis masih minim. Mumpung saya senang menulis, saya berbagi info mengenai skoliosis di blog saya. Dengan demikian, setidaknya teman-teman saya bisa tahu dan memberitahu teman-teman atau keluarga mereka yang lainnya lagi. Hal-hal kecil bisa saja menjadi sesuatu yang besar dan bermakna. Jadi, kenapa tidak memulai dari hal kecil dulu? Jika bukan kita, siapa lagi? Jika bukan sekarang, kapan lagi?


#PatriotIsMe #Advan #damniloveindonesia

Senin, 25 Agustus 2014

Unsaid

People said, "some things are better left unsaid".

This blog has been part of my life journal or diary. But to be honest, there are some parts which I skipped to post here. The parts that I don't want to review anymore, because it's really painful. Sometimes I just considered it as not a part of my life, or I just pretend it never happens. I'm sure that everyone has time like this and their own story. Someone can be stronger than how she/he looks.



Jumat, 15 Agustus 2014

A Girl with Scoliosis (Part 10)

Hi bloggers!

Lama gak mengulas tentang skoliosis. Bukan berarti skoliosis uda terlupakan, skoliosis bahkan uda menjadi bagian dari diriku. 

Saat ini aku lagi libur kuliah, jadi kegiatan nggak terlalu padat. Kegiatan sehari-hariku yang memerlukan duduk lama paling memakan 5-7 jam. Tapi belakangan aku semakin gampang lelah dan sesak. Memang aku tidak lagi pernah memeriksakan keadaan tulang belakangku lagi sejak aku pertama kali melakukan X-Ray. Ini tidak mudah, aku sebenarnya agak takut melihat hasilnya, takut bahwa kurvaku mungkin semakin berprogress dan perlu penanganan segera. 

Aku masih ingat, dulu aku sering beraktivitas lebih dari 13 jam sehari (kerja dan kuliah), kemudian nyeri punggung hebat hingga demam tinggi. Aku hanya mengandalkan obat syaraf ketika nyeri datang, yang aku tau juga bahwa aku tidak boleh bergantung kepada obat itu. Sesekali ketika aku lelah atau mulai merasa nyeri, aku mencari posisi yang pas, atau pergi ke toilet untuk melakukan stretching. Lelah yang kurasakan belakangan ini agak berbeda. Aku hanya beraktivitas 5-7 jam yang termasuk santai. Aku mempersiapkan soal-soal dan bahan mengajar di rumah, kemudian mengajar, dan sesekali ikut serta di kegiatan atau sesekali hang out bareng teman. Lelah ini awalnya memberi rasa kaku pada bagian bawah punggung, kemudian aku akan melakukan perubahan posisi atau stretching (tergantung situasi), dan tiba-tiba, rasa kaku tadi berubah menjadi seperti sengatan listrik hebat yang mengalir dari pinggang hingga punggung bagian atas, khususnya di bagian kiri (bagian punggungku yang menjorok ke dalam).

Begitu pulang ke rumah, aku akan berbaring, berusaha meluruskan badan, dengan nafas yang terdengar seperti terengah-engah. Aku tidak lagi mengonsumsi obat syaraf itu. Berhubung aku kurus, setiap tonjolan tulangku memang terlihat jelas. Beberapa kerabat mengatakan bahwa tulang pinggul sebelah kiriku semakin menonjol. Aku tidur di lantai yang beralaskan sejenis matras tipis. Aku juga bisa merasakan bahwa punuk di punggungku semakin menonjol. Semoga ini hanya perasaanku saja.

September ini kami akan pindah rumah. Bertepatan dengan mulainya semester baruku.  Jika Tuhan mengizinkan, aku merencanakan semester ketujuhku ini akan menjadi semester terakhirku, dan setelah itu aku ingin melakukan treatment untuk skoliosisku. Sejujur-jujurnya aku mulai khawatir dengan nyeri yang aku alami belakangan ini. Derajat terakhir adalah 115. Bila berprogress lagi, entah jadi berapakah derajat skoliosisku. Derajat oh derajat, tolong jangan beranak pinak lagi *tepok jidat*

Hm, aku juga masih suka browsing soal skoliosis atau ngintip blog penderita skoliosis lainnya. Di blog Kak Indi, aku menemukan bahwa ternyata Kak Indi uda berganti brace, bukan lagi pake brace yang biasa, tapi menggunakan SpineCor. Nah, apa itu SpineCor? Di blog Kak Indi juga ada dijelasin koq, teman-teman juga bisa googling. Banyak infonya. 

SpineCor itu merupakan brace yang dibuat dengan materi elastis dan memungkinkan pemakainya untuk bergerak lebih leluasa. Kalau brace yang biasa, bahannya keras, panas, bisa bikin alergi, susah buat gerak (jongkok, lari, dsb), lebih kentara kalau dipakai kayak armysuit. Brace ini juga harus dipakai selama 23 jam setiap harinya, hanya boleh dilepas kalau mandi dan renang. Kalau SpineCor ini, (yang kubaca dari penjelasan web dan testimoni pemakainya) brace nya nyaman dipakai, seperti kita pakai baju renang, ada rasa ketatnya, tapi masih nyaman. Pemakaiannya juga hanya 6-10 jam per hari, dan gak harus setiap hari \(^^)/ hanya beberapa kali per minggu. Kabar bagusnya juga bisa mengurangi kurva ! Wuaw banget !!! Info ini seperti secercah harapan bagi aku. 

Boston Brace

SpineCor
 
Skolioser dengan derajat besar seperti aku, dimana-mana sudah ditawari operasi melulu. Yah, aku tau operasi bisa mengoreksi derajatku. Ada yang setelah menjalani operasi, kurvanya dari 107 jadi 35-40. Mereka bahkan bertambah tinggi 5cm. Tapi biaya operasi gak tanggung-tanggung, untuk derajat sepertiku, sudah pasti memakan 200-300jutaan. Itu sih prediksi dari dokterku sekitar setahun yang lalu. Biaya darimana coba. Apalagi setelah operasi, aku mungkin bakal harus direhatkan di rumah selama beberapa bulan. Dimana itu berarti, aku gak bisa bekerja, no income, berarti membebani keluarga. Ini belum termasuk lagi ya harus berdebat sama Mama. Mama masih belum sanggup membayangkan tulang belakangku harus dioperasi. Ya, ini memang operasi besar dan beresiko. Jadi wajar saja kalau Mama ga tegaan. Aku bahkan sering bercanda bahwa ketika tiba saatnya aku harus operasi, aku akan bilang sama dokter supaya Mama dibius duluan. Jadi begitu dia bangun, aku sudah keluar dari ruang operasi. No worry deh. Hahaha.

Nah, dengan SpineCor ini aku berharap at least kurvaku gak berprogress, aku bisa beraktivitas dengan lebih nyaman tanpa nyeri. Lalu aku browsing mengenai dimana dan berapa harga untuk pembuatan brace ini. Eng ing engg~ Kalau di Indonesia, masih hanya ada di Jakarta. Di Medan belum ada. Mungkin kalau teman-teman ada yang berminat, bisa dilihat di web resminya langsung di sini. Berhubung Medan lumayan dekat dengan Malaysia, aku juga mencari info tentang dimana bisa buat SpineCor di Malaysia, infonya bisa dilihat di sini.

Mengenai harga, sesuai hasil browsing, pemasangan brace ini memerlukan biaya 26-27 juta, belum termasuk X-Ray, konsultasi dokter, dsb. Kalau yang di Malaysia, kisarannya RM7000-9000, yang kalau dirupiahkan itu sekitar 27-33juta. Still, I considered it as expensive. Ya setidaknya lebih ada harapan daripada hanya berharap pada operasi, dan bisa menjaga kurvaku hingga tiba saatnya aku operasi nantinya.

Dengan sharing info ini, aku berharap teman-teman skolioser lainnya juga merasakan harapan yang aku rasakan, dan juga semoga bermanfaat (^^v)

NB. Aku senang sekali bisa muncul di Twisted Tuesday Friend di SHIFT Scoliosis (page FB) di edisi 1 Juli 2014. 

With love,
Fera Leo, an unbeatable scolioser